A New Heart

Beautiful friends, beautiful time

2010-06-23T20:26:00.000-07:00

I had a great time with some beautiful friends today... Thank u God! Rachel Soto's for tea, tea sandwiches, salad, scones, quiche, strawberry pie and catching up! It was beautiful and I am thankful for the day!

2010

2010-01-13T17:23:00.000-08:00

Hey! It's 2010. I realize I haven't written much in the last few years. I can't believe how quickly time has passed in the last few. I've been going through so many changes, that I haven't wanted to blog. I have been going to Grace Community Church for 3 1/2-4 years now and my thinking and theology has changed a bit!

I am excited for 2010. So many things are happening all around and I have a lot of hope for what God is doing in our lives. I am still dating that wonderful man David Pedersen from Fife, Washington... and have fallen in love with his children too... Jenna, Jordan, Collin and Kelsie. It doesn't mean life is always easy because we (as a whole) have had some rough patches... but I have no doubt that God is working in the good and the bad... and we have put our trust in Him...and His WILL will be done...

I have a new boss at work since this summer and may actually have more coming in this year. Work is interesting and challenging. Pete Carroll left USC and a new football couch is coming in, our dear President Sample is leaving and we will have a new President come summer 2010, I've been helping (in small ways) with a play ACTS that will be performed this year, I love the communications committee for Staff Assembly! And even though Dave and I haven't been able to get married yet... every day with him is a new and great adventure. Jordan is in college (even though he's a junior in high school) and Kelsie is drawing and painting and learning so much in school. Dave's children are such beautiful gifts to me that I should never stop thanking God for them...

I had a conversation with my mother yesterday that made me remember that one reason I started this blog was to communicate to my parents all the wonderful things in our lives. I so often use my mother as my sounding board... so she sees the struggle... sees my needs but doesn't always see the great and beautiful things that God is doing in my life because I don't always communicate those things to her. Writing these things here doesn't mean I don't need to change the way I communicate... I still need to do that... but it is a reminder and a log of the work of God in our lives.

Being all there....

2009-06-22T10:16:00.000-07:00

Working on being all there in everything God has given me to do!

Wherever you are.... be ALL there... (Jim Elliott)

This is what E.E. has to say about my job...

"The job has been given to me to do.
Therefore it is a gift.
Therefore it is a priviledge.
Therefore it is an offering I may make to God.
Therefore it is to be done gladly, if it is done for Him.
Therefore it is the route to sanctity.

Here, (in this job) not somewhere else, I may learn God's way. In this job, not in some other, God looks for faithfulness. The discipline of this job is, in fact, the chisel God has chosen to shape me with--into the image of Christ."

"The Lord God helps me... therefore I have set my face like flint... I will not be put to shame"... Isa 50:7

Okay I am going to get to it... work that is. Thank you God that you provide for me... for us. Thank you for my job. May I have the discipline to focus and do it as unto you!

A New Heart

2008-05-16T15:08:00.000-07:00

Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh and I will put my Spirit within you and cause you to walk in MY statutes and you will be careful to observe my ordinances...

Ez 36:24

So many times my heart feels like stone... immovable... stubborn... ugly.... yet He said he will give me a NEW heart... new spirit... and remove the heart of STONE... thank u God! I long for You... Your statutes... YOUR WORD... YOU...

It's Yours Lord...

2008-02-05T09:50:00.000-08:00

Romans 12:1-2

Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

Wow these verses bring me back to college and my summer working in Yosemite. I remember that I spent time memorizing these verses. I struggled that summer with who I was, with my attractions to everything that was about worldly things… and my desire to share with others about my faith. It was a hard yet illuminating summer. These verses were perfect for what God wanted to do in my life and my heart that summer. I watched as God called the people around me to Himself… using me… despite my everyday battle with releasing my life to God.

As I read through these verses today and I find my struggles somewhat familiar. In some ways it’s sad…but the reality of life is that I have found I do come back to some of my same struggles. Having to hold them up and release them once again. The transforming of my mind… how important it is to take it all back to the word…and let the word transform my thinking and my actions.

I put the quote yesterday that Tom Patton said on Sunday while he was speaking on Eccleiastes. I do find that in every tough circumstance of my life… God is calling me back to Himself… to His glory… to His trustworthiness… to His daily ability to provide , sooth, calm… give guidance. Thank you Lord!

Quotes

2008-02-04T09:47:00.000-08:00

Quotes from yesterday -

Tom Patton in speaking from Ecc...

"God intermingles good and evil in the lives of men so they won't look to the future but look to God".

John MacArthur

"God treated Jesus on the cross as if He lived my life - so I might be treated as if I lived Jesus's life"...

Waiting

2007-11-20T09:32:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged in so long... I probably lost all my friends that read! :-) I hope you all are well. It is time to catch up. I just have a moment right now and just wanted to say that God is put us into the waiting room. Dave and I are waiting on Him right now in many areas and it's been hard but it has been so good.

My quiet times this month have been in Romans 4 and Romans 5. Amazing the faith of Abraham. I kept going back to the verse in Chapter 4 about how Abraham looked (contemplated) at his old (100) year old body now as good as dead... and still believed God for what He promised He would do... that had to be amazing! When I think I am only 44... I do have 56 years left to be where Abraham was... and yet I have to constantly be reminded to trust... to wait... to hope.

I like Romans 5. I like the verse that says trials... give perseverence... which gives proven character (let that be me please!) and proven character hope... which does not disappoint. Dave and I really are seeing God work through even with our humanness to perfect... and hone our character... which I think was much needed in my life. We do hope in Him to make us into what He desires!

I also love this quote from E.E.

"Teach me to treat all that comes to me with peace of soul and with firm conviction that Your will governs all!"

All Done!

2007-08-09T18:09:00.000-07:00

I finished! On Monday night I turned in my thesis and gave a presentation on my entire project. Wow. What a huge relief! My project was difficult because it really involved some raw emotions and a program that I love (because I am graduating from it!). All my classmates were very interested in the outcome... so it was exciting presenting!

But I am done! Finished! I am now a Master... :-) yeah.... right!

Lessons from the ants...

2007-06-18T17:39:00.001-07:00

Do you sometimes feel like you are moving in slow motion? That no matter what you do you can’t catch up? I have two friends (and more probably) and my brother and mother that I watch them go to work and I am amazed at how much they can get done in about two seconds. I on the other hand feel like I am moving in slow motion ... and I can't catch them...

My friends Linda Merritt and Phyllis Verma… are amazing. They start on these projects that you only think that a contractor can do… and do it excellently.. and quickly… and in the minutes that they get it done… I have spent hours doing nothing maybe picking up a piece of equipment here… or painted a corner there but they have put a new wall in, converted a room into a Masterpiece, cleaned up a junk room and made it look beautiful… this list goes on. My brother and mother are the same way. My brother used to come help me with my garden… and he would do in 30 minutes what would take me 8 hours to do. My mother as well …. She is in my house for 30 minutes and suddenly my house is cleaner, shiner… and there is not one person that can clean or straighten up like my mother. She does again in a few minutes what takes me hours… and it looks so much cleaner, brighter when she does it.

I had a storm of ants in my house this morning. They seem to invade every year. What I watched this morning was the way they were about their task so quickly. They come in, tear up something I left on the counter or by my trash can and then 10 minutes later they are all gone. For being so tiny, they are quick and fast and they are about their task. Why can’t I be like the ants? Why can’t I even act like I am related to my mother and brother? And why can’t I be on task like Linda and Phyllis?

Sometimes all it takes is just doing it. Not worrying… just putting my two feet in front of the other and plowing through it… and getting it done. Some wisdom from the ants.

Proverbs 6:6 Go to the ant, O sluggard, Observe her ways and be wise

Proverbs 30:24 Four things are small on the earth, But they are exceedingly wise: The (AF)ants are not a strong people, But they prepare their food in the summer;

Just go to it…
Be focused…
Prepare for the winter..
When obstacles come while you are busy working… (big hands that wash away half your colony...heehee) – find another way and just go to it…
Be quick about it… get in.. get out…

School

2007-04-22T14:32:00.000-07:00

Can't believe that my work in this grad program is almost over! I just finished the 1st draft of my lit review... and my methodology for my thesis... I have to put them together and present them for the final project for this class...and then my summer class is the rest of the focus groups and analysis... should be very interesting!

I did go with Change Management and conflict... or resistance... it's amazing there is so much research out there on it. I have enjoyed it. This applies to so much of my life in the last couple of years. Amazing.

I spent the morning taking care of 22-29 month olds at church. I love that age.. .I just signed up to serve... and that's where they put me... these kids are so cute... it's ALOT of work though..

Last night was Ted & Thena's b-day bash... fun and just so good to see them... it was packed! :)

I am going to go through ceremonies on the 11th... which will be fun. My parents are going to try to come down for it... I have even had time to really think about it.

I am been thinking a lot about prayer lately. I just do not pray as I need to. For Dave and the kids... and Jenna... for my family... that needs to change.

My brother is married

2007-04-12T16:53:00.000-07:00

Well can you believe it??!! My brother is married. Yep! He did it... he went through with it. He married Dawn Henz Saturday... and it was a beautiful ceremony. Beautiful. He is happy and it is great to see him that way.

My honey came down and met the family and we had an amazing time. I miss him already. Everyone LOVED him... absolutely loved him. He just jumped right in and became family. This last week-end was a gift!

This week-end... and next week!

2007-04-02T17:16:00.000-07:00

I started the week-end on Friday night with my workmates... we all went to Dodgers Stadium. It was a great time. I haven't been to a dodgers game in so long. I forget how much fun it can be. I was so exhausted though when I got home... it lasted late in the night!

This week-end I worked on finding a dress for my brother's wedding, learning the songs that I am going to sing... buying wedding gifts and attempting to clean up my place and my car!

I went Sunday morning to a new fellowship class (kind of like Sunday school)... it was great. One of the elders at Grace leads it... Tom Patton. I really had a great time. They had Tom and two of the older elders at Grace talk about forgiveness. It was such a great class. I needed to hear it. It is no wonder that God wants us as believers to be a part of assemblying together... of reminding ourselves what His word says constantly and even of respecting older, wiser Christians. It's not like they said things I haven't heard... but the way that truth digs in and nests in your heart... when someone who has integrity... and has chosen to follow scripture...not their own heart...opens up and shares their experiences and knowledge... that truth resonates and gives strength.... I am very thankful for the time.

I have so much to do in my class right now... I have actually put myself behind and I am going to regret it big time in the next few weeks. :(

So my brother's wedding is on Saturday.. can you believe it? I can not. I know that it's going to be hard letting my brother go... after being able to call him... and him just make me a priority for so many years... he will now have to check with his wife! :) I really like Dawn... and her and Jimmy make a great team... so I know it will only bless his life... and for that I am very excited!

AND Dave comes in on Thursday. I am so excited ... I haven't seen him in forever... and I think I will want to just sit and stare for awhile...I really do have this handsome beautiful guy in my life... he is not just a voice on the phone... :) I love that boy and can't wait to have time with family with him! Somehow he thinks he is going to get my parents on his side... of all our disagreements... I am kind of worried that he might be right! :)

Week-end

2007-03-12T12:34:00.000-07:00

I had a great week-end... it felt great anyway. I think it is because this next week is spring break and I don't have any responsiblities with my class for the next week. The weather is getting better and spring is right around the corner. I am feeling better already.

I saw an old friend who is a missionary and her friend with a group of women... and some I hadn't seen in 7-15 years. Wild! It was a wonderful time, I got some numbers and hope to stay in contact. I met them at Pablo and Sonia's place which is beautiful! I met Gabriel (their baby) for the first time...(he is amazing!) and saw Monique and her beautiful baby girl! It was great..

I met Dave's best friend Wayne and that was really fun! Wayne is a great guy that looks and gestures like Dave... it is so wild. They really are brothers more than friends. They have been friends since high school and it shows. It was fun hearing some of Dave's famous stories told from Wayne's perspective... pretty funny!

Anyway Wayne and I figured out that we got Dave's number... and Dave better watch out for tag teaming by Wayne and Wendy! :-) oohh la la.. Dave seems to think he will get my dad on his side... and I better watch out for that! He doesn't realize I am my dad's baby yet.... and he is going to have to work hard to win dad over! :-)

Wayne is a great man that loves the lord and loves his wife (Tena) who I can't wait to meet... he seems like a pretty awesome Dad too. He was here for Shepherd's conference at Grace community and came with a group of young men from up north... great group of guys! Needless to say it is nice to know Dave has such a solid beautiful friend. (I have met his other best friend Phil by phone and he seems pretty solid too!) It makes me more secure even in who Dave is... and his heart. :-)

Still working on my thesis.. I decided it's going to be on change management and conflict... and the project that I will work on with it... is going to be a change in the degree title of our program for the communication management degree. It is an interesting subject... and makes a lot of sense to me. I have seen the reasons I went into this program turn full circle. Changes in my personal life and my work life... changes that affected the lives of all the people involved.... that could have been handled better. I have a bit more perspective.

The funny thing is I have learned a lot about conflict too in this program... and also since dating Dave. When Dave and I disagree... I tend to not want to hear his side of what we disagree on. I have a desire to put my hands up over my ears and start to sing La La La La...instead of having conversation much less discussion about it. Dave has been pretty patient to wait for the time we can discuss it... and we finally do discuss it... and many times work through the conflict the way we should. (He has his faults in this too.... I just won't name them in a blog! :) ... I know better!)...

Life is really easy when you don't share it with anyone. This last year and 1/2 is the first time I have lived by myself. I could easily start the slide into give me my own place, space and my own way! I am so glad that God decided to put Dave in my life to challenge my own selfishness... it may be hard at times... but even in that it shows my heart and my need to lay "what I want" at the feet of Jesus.

Thank you Lord!

Blogging

2007-02-13T07:50:00.000-08:00

It is hard to start again after I haven't really been bloggin.

I had a nice week-end... I went to my friend Kasey's house for her daughter Mili's 1st birthday. I haven't seen kasey...and hadn't seen her daughter since she was born. I have to say I am in love... she is such an amazing baby. I saw Zach there and it was the first time I met his son Zek... too and he too is just an amazing baby... so cute.. his eye interaction is amazing.

I am behind on my school work. I seem to be doing everything else but my school work and that has not been good. :( Oh just remembered I have a 10:00 meeting that I need to prep for. Ugh! (with my professor).. .

My honey had his 3rd interview with an exciting job ... and so we are praying for that to come through. He is putting together a sales business plan for that company and we'll see where it goes from there.

My brother Jim set a date for his wedding... April 7th! So quick. He and Dawn have been dating for about 2 years... so maybe not so quick... lots happening with the family there.. too. That will be good..

Update

2007-02-09T00:20:00.000-08:00

Hey! Mary Lu wants me to write so I am. ;) Life has been a bit wild and busy.... being in a relationship takes a bit of time. :)

I am loving Dave...he is an amazing man and I find myself more in love with him daily. It is wild ..love... such a mystery...so inexplicable... I enjoy life ..bouncing things off of him... arguing theology... discussing choices... working towards mutual goals...moving towards each other... growing in so many ways... I love the way he loves his kids... every moment that he has them... he focuses on them. They are his priority. I love Jordan, Collin and Kelsie ... they are amazing and beautiful and so much fun. I haven't met Jenna in person yet... but still can't wait to meet her.

I am still in school, only two classes yet! I am trying to decide my thesis ... and I am having a hard time with it... I went into the program interested in Change Management... should I do change management? I am now also interested in strengths (Gallup).. conflict management is very interesting to me... especially intractable conflict... I also want to be relevant.. I have thought about mixing conflict and change management / kinda of a no duh there right? or conflict and on-line communities ... conflict and e-mail :)... pretty relevant for today. If you have any ideas... would love to hear your thoughts.

Besides my grad class... I have been going to a counseling class at Grace... I have loved it... and needed it. Wednesday night we actually talked about conflict... they have so many verses ... their counsel is grounded... I have found Dr. MacArthurs latest talks on Luke 18 very interesting as well.

I miss music and singing... haven't done much in a year! I wrote a song, yes in summer... but singing... working out this ole voice... my uncle recently told me... Wendy what's up you haven't been working that voice lately have you? Ugh! I don't want to stop... gotta get singing...

I have some goals right now.. to get in shape (again yes...) and to pay off debt (how do you earn more money with a fulltime job and a Masters Degree class?). I would like in the middle of all of these things.. to record a few songs... spend more time with Dave (he is up in Seattle area)... I miss that boy!

I have some friends that have posted recently on-line about some hurts in their life... long time ago hurts... seemingly intractable hurts. I have wanted to respond... just haven't known how or even if I should. I will probably write more about that later...

So... any suggestions on extra money, what my studies should focus on... how to get back singing.. would love to hear it!

Busy!

2006-12-06T11:25:00.000-08:00

Life just keeps passing by so quickly! My life has been full of this class, Dave and my work. It seems like I haven't seen many people... and I have just been plowing through it!

The first class in my Master's was taught by Dr. R. and it was so incredibly hard and labourous... that everyone said it was the most difficult class of their life. Why I agreed to take another class with Dr. R... is because I love her very much... .and have learned so much from her... yet right now... a night away from turning my take home final in... and 12-13 hours away from being done with it... I am asking myself... WHY OH WHY did I do this? I AM CRAZY!

I spent Thanksgiving with Dave and his kids, Jordan, Collin and Kelsie. We missed having Jenna there... and I haven't been able to meet her yet! :( We had a great time. I can't imagine falling in love with 3 kids like I did Jordan, Collin and Kelise. They are all so beautiful... I love watching Dave with them... they have so much fun... and they love each other so much. We had tickle fights... played the new nintendo game the Wii... (so much fun!)... had Thanksgiving over Dave's really close friends The Goddards (who I love too! ;))... went to special dinners and just had a beautiful time! Of course I worked on my consulting project from this class from 10:00pm - 2:00pm in the morning...as well. ARRGH! It rained the entire time I was there.. .but I loved it... (adventure for this California girl)... the last night I was there it snowed... and we went to the airport in feet of snow... and I of course missed my flight.. and had to go out on a later flight :(... Dave and I had a beautiful time and it was hard to say good-bye.

I am going up to spend time with his family from the 16th -25th... and we are both looking forward to that.

I wish I was giving you more details... and talking mroe about what I am learning... because I am learning a lot. But I have got to get back to this final... keep me posted on you all okay?

My man... Dave Pedersen

2006-10-25T12:49:00.000-07:00

Yes.... yes... i have a boy in my life... and he is pretty amazing. Our story is funny and beautiful... we have known each other since late April...but just met in person a month and 1/2 ago. We had initially clicked, found our beliefs to be very similiar and talked consistently... but after one particular conversation... I had tuned him out... and even decided that he was too much... earlier in the summer... I told him he could only call me once a week.... and when he did I didn't answer the phone always... yet he persisted... and asked permission this fall to come out to take me to dinner. I agreed not thinking he would actually do it..
So about a month 1/2 ago...He came in to town... (he is from Washington state) he had decided to surprise me showed up at my work the morning before our date that night... When we met we were both a little star struck... I ended up telling him I was very busy and that I had a lunch appointment and I would see him after work. :) My officemate Randy talked me into going to lunch with him... (Dave says he owes Randy big time)...and the rest is just dreamy stuff... :)
We went to lunch... and we ended up going out to dinner that night after my work... we ended up spending time together the whole week-end...hanging around Santa Monica... meeting friends...having a great time ... We talked and talked... he wowed me with his care, character... being...and with his pursuit... I didn't think there was anyone left like him on the planet! :0

He just came out again last week-end and helped with a banquet that I was working at. I have been amazed at how well we fit... how he cares about people... and how God has just given me an amazin gift in this man and in the short time we have already spent together...

I have been completely and utterly spoiled...he is a beautiful man... inside and out! I can't wait for u to meet him... We know that we are on journey right now... on adventure... and we will see where God takes us! :0

Miss ya!

2006-10-13T09:35:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't been posting... I have a couple of drafts just haven't finished. My life has been so busy... with work, school and yes this new boy in my life. It's all very interesting! I have to tell u the details but it has been pretty amazing.

He is coming down again next week-end... he lives in Tacoma/Pulluyup Washington. This week-end I am headed up to my parents house because my aunts and uncles from Oklahoma are in... and we are going to have a good time.

I hope you are well... keep me posted on you and yours okay?

For the Goddards....

2006-10-06T15:19:00.000-07:00

Hi Goddards....

Yes it's true... Dave is really in my life... he came to visit me and we had a great time! :-) He is an amazing guy...

So... Is he a Bull in a china cabinet? (He thinks that is what I thought of him.... and he was pretty close!) Or is he a black lab coming out of the dog house? (He is asking that I call him out of the dog house! Should I?)

He definitely scored some points the week-end he came down!

Fill me in!

Wendy

Who Am I? What am I telling the world about who I am?

2006-09-22T00:56:00.000-07:00

My friend Tim and I went to Sasha's session on Monday about our own personal branding... it was so interesting.

Sasha talked about everything the swoosh of Nike stood for... he asked us to consider what we thought about when we saw the Mercedes symbol... he went on to various other name brands... and our minds reeled with what a company could make us feel and think about it...

He gave us some questions and items to think about... for ourselves... what we liked .. what we didn't like... who we wanted to be... what we saw as our gifts... strengths... and in the end we came up with our own personal mission statements...

Of course this was a short time... and we need some time to refine our mission statements and put them out there. Sasha talked about how people do believe what we put out there... we can communicate the good patterns... the good things... and chose not to let those other things come out in our brand.

Wow I kind of liked this... what does this mean for me? I can just forget the bad patterns... forget some of my poorer reputation... when I was inconsistent or didn't do what I wanted... and I can just put my BRAND out there..

It all seems so strange to me... I am going to do this exercise.. and I am going to work with my "branding"... however I realize that interiorly... I know my brand... I know me... I know my faults... I know that despite all my strengths I fail... I fall... I fumble.. and I make big booboos..
I have unresolve in my life... not by my own choices but by the choice of others... I have people who wouldn't pick me on their team... I've hurt people... been inconsistent... not been there when I needed to... see I could go on.... however someone else knows me... and knows my brand. Someone else knows my brand better than I do. He still loves me.. amazing... My friend Thena ended a letter today with the words... lovely Jesus... and He is so lovely... so beautiful.. and He loves me... When I think my old brand is glaring... He actually can cover over that ugly brand.. with a beautiful new one... that has a fresh incandesent glow .... amazing... I want that brand. I long for that brand...

Loving Life

2006-09-20T11:28:00.000-07:00

Hey ...

I've had an amazing couple of days... over the week-end and this week. I had my friend Denise's open house... it was just nice to be out and meeting people... and her new home is incredibly beautiful! Amazing... craftsman home... with a Koa pond... and falls... I loved it. My friend Tim went with... and it was fun.

I had dinner for some friends on Sunday that we have been talking amazingly about some of the same things... and it was great to see them talk about the same thing... I was sure they were both thinking... she told them what I said... they were just at the same place and it was a God thing that we all connected. It was the first time I have cooked in a long time and I forget how much I love it! And Lu... I made a new crepe... hot and cold chocolate with crepes! :-) I liked them..not as much as I like the ones you like though Lu...

Monday night we went to hear my friend Sasha speak about personal branding. I love this man... he is so amazing and gifted. It's weird how you connect with people in such a short time... but I just feel so proud of Sasha... His stuff was amazing and very good for me right now.

I am staying at home to study today... and look I am blogging instead. I have lots to do with studying today. Love the people that God is bringing into my life.

The facts

2006-09-15T17:37:00.000-07:00

Snow:

Robert my beautiful actor cousin - had a couple of things show up on angiogram & MRI - they think they know what one of them is... but they are not sure how serious it all is. One is a mass of veins- some doctors say operate, one says more problems by operating leave it alone.
Just heard Linda Mushagen has a brain tumor
Still pray for Conna - she has more tests coming
Felipa Vasquez's mom has stage 4 cancer - pray for her..

Flowers:

Friends & Family - Ron, Leti, Marsha, Tim
With 9/11, anniv Katrina, Conna & Robert - realize how incredibly blessed we are to have each other
Mom & Pete are on my family plan w/ verizon! Saves money & we talk more!
Job - my strengths are starting to be put to use...
Asked to act/sing in a theater play (1st time in awhile)
My home is great safe place for me - it is so nice to have my own space- for the 1st time in my life
A Vision for life is coming full circle ... and other people around me seem to be busting out...

Week-end

House-warming party & date! :0
painting - (i hope)
homework... yes lots of that!
relaxation (Fri - I hope)
Reception for grad students at Geoff Cowen's house (I have wanted to get to know his wife Aileen Adams better)
Friends over for dinner & brainstorming? Sun p.m..

Atomic thoughts: Requiem for a Dream- Insights on Church Life

2006-09-14T18:11:00.000-07:00

Atomic thoughts: Requiem for a Dream- Insights on Church Life

WORK

2006-09-13T13:03:00.000-07:00

My office is kind of exploding today. People are still angry even after all our hashing through things... they still wanted things fixed.... and they are ready to blame the management. Yes, they are beginning to think that they can do something about it...but if they do not move and talk about it to the people that can correct it it's gonna be a miserable place to be. Because their next step is infightingÂ it moves in vicious cycles. I had thought we made some progress this summer... but was it only the start. We need a forum for people to make suggestions/complaints... as needed... they need to know that they have been heard. I mean HEARD... I don't like seeing people angry or hurt or upset. Today someone that I've never seen cry had red eyes from crying this morning. I just had to leave because it made me cry to see her like that..

Pray for my office today. Pray that I might be light! That I would do what I can in the position that God has put me in... alleviate what I can alliviate.

One of these things for me is changing my schedule... I think to come in on time. I come in late, leave late. My bosses are okay with it but there is something in me that says I need to change that. I know you may say that doesn't affect everyone else.. but I do think it does. I just need to bite the bullet and do it. It means changing some things in my schedule.

Pray that I see other ways that I can help. Use my activator skills and move on some things that need to be done.

I saw some pictures of me from the office picnic.... ugh! I have not realized how much weight I've gained until I see a picture. I also had a women from Women in Management yesterday tell me that at our last board meeting, she thought I was pg! J She said my face just had that look about it... I was like what? Bloated? :) The question is... will this get me motivated to really do my workout?????

With all these things it's been a great week so far... I feel that I am moving forward in the things that God has before me... things are growing... moving.. I love life and everything it has to offer. I am so thankful for the people and the things that God has put in it.

Week-end and gratitude

2006-09-11T18:19:00.000-07:00

Well Saturday I did end up pulling in. It's not like I didn't do anything... but I did laundry, studied for my class, prepared for Marsha and Norman to come over (made brownies... picked up packed room, vacuumed up spiders! etc.). I had my on-line meeting for my class project at 5:00. That worked out well! However I missed all my events and I was sad about that. I have this tendency to pull out when I have overloaded life. I had a beautiful time with Marsha and Norman... fun family time playing Mexican Dominoes and watching "Just my Luck"... it was fun.

Sunday I had to finish homework... and my parents had given me lots of Okra so I made this great Okra/tomato/garlic/onion/curry/ - kind of mix of Indian and Oklahoman Okra! GREAT!

I have made this amazing new friend... Tim who has been connected with friends of mine for awhile. Well it's wild... because there have been times when I prayed for someone like me in my life... that would be an activator like I can be for others but not for myself... well Tim is that. In just a couple of hours I had my Skype working on my computer.. a new music myspace... and worked through some ministry things and even talked exercise.... He is a life coach and wow is he a great motivator! http://www.tim-mcginnis.com He is my twin... ENFP ACTIVATOR/WOO/IDEATION yet he is more of a thinker than I am...so talking with him has made me even think about coaching a little..

I finished my part of my group project for the week... barely by midnight last night.. and I absolutely love what we are doing. We are working with a Women's organization - doing some communication consulting on some needs they currently have. It promises to be a great project! I have an amazing team... that are so much younger than I am but they are on the ball like you would not believe. I love them! :) The organization we are working with is Step Up for women Network. Very interesting!

God is so incredibly good to me... He pursues me with His unfathomable love and grace... gifts like flowers... views through the trees... new beautiful friends.. forgiveness... peace... rest...

Moving

2006-09-09T10:05:00.000-07:00

i am sluggish today...

so many things i want to do and be doing... yet i feel like pulling in and staying on the couch and watching movies until sunset... yet i have parties to go to today... friends that are coming and staying tonight... homework, cleaning, painting... and EXERCISE... i have got to be doing.. :)

i feel the age difference in this class more than i have in any of the other classes. i have been looking at myself this semester and thinking... what am i doing? what is this all about? is this really where i want to go? is this really what i should be doing? am i impacting the world with my attendance of grad school?

my mind goes back to ministry, music, worship, missions, acting, shakespeare, songwriting, internationalization.... and i think where am i with all those things? childshare... missions... getting out of debt.. (by the way my debt is to myself...i owe my retirement fund... still not good)..learning french, getting better with Spanish... owning a home.. Amy Cole and I were looking at homes in Tennessee.. Mary Lu.. saw several I liked and could afford in Tennessee... maybe I should of thought of buying one for u or buying one with u... since i can't afford CALIFORNIA.. hmmm...2 bedroom house 1000 sq feet $40,000... $650,000 hmmmm? There are so many things I want to do...

i still do want to do a triatholon... i have all the information for the LA tri club... just haven't gotten to applying... so many books... courses... avenues i could take.... i still want to move, strive... as my poem on artisan well.. says i still want to "be the end all"... why?

i realize in the last few weeks that i can't keep up this pace... like i used to. i used to sleep at 1:00 be at work at 8:30, after exercising and quiet time and driving an hour... and have all kinds of energy all day.... the late nights and no sleep now make me tired and weepy... and i definitely don't want to be weepy! :-)

where do i go... back to the beginning... one moment at a time... do the daily chores... i think all of us "nfps" have to find drama to exist in our life... and the daily doing of the dishes... changing the linen.. cleaning the house... paying the bills... is hard work. Yet... it is in doing the next thing... just getting to what is right and what we know we need to be doing... that God uses to soothe our savage ravenous hunger...

Life is beautiful....

2006-09-05T23:17:00.000-07:00

I have had the most interesting last couple of weeks... u know those moments when u love life... being alive... new choices.. new challenges... it's tonight! Please remind me tomorrow... when the sun stops shining... okay?

I helped Marsha move on Thursday of last week until 2:30 ... it was a joyful day... but crazy day... because I went on to work and then to class until 10:00. I had gotten up at 5:00... but I had fun with Marsha... (crazy to have fun while cleaning eh?).. My dad and Pete came down on Thursday ... I met them at home that night at 11:00 when I got home... they played on Friday (rode the bus to Hollywood) while I was at work.. I came home a little early, went to Leticia's for her b-day ... which was so fun.. with R & L... :)and Dad and Pete... Dad, Pete and I left to go back up to Firebaugh Saturday morning and we had fun just driving up on Saturday... spent the week-end on homework, family (Jim & Dawn, Denise and Jessie) and had a great time.

I drove home last night.. caught up with some friends on the phone... took a break in Bakersfield with Marsha... and am so excited for her and Norman and their beautiful home... wow! It is amazing...

I had a great day... met a friend of some friends that is applying for a job on campus... and then tonight met my friend Gianina... at Cha Cha Cha... and her husband came later. Wow! It was so fun... I have missed that girl... and we had some great conversation... culture, movies, art, God... it was SO FUN! :)

Thank u God... for life and beauty ... and joy in the journey...

What would it taken to awaken longings...

2006-08-30T17:43:00.000-07:00

“The people of God are not merely to mark time, waiting for God to step in and set right all that is wrong. Rather, they are to model the new heaven and new earth, and by so doing awaken longings for what God will someday bring to pass.”
Phillip Yancy

Read this on BJK's blog yesterday and I am haunted today.... what does this mean for us? Wow... thanks for sharing BJK! ;) I want to be a part of this... what does this mean for me?

If you have a chance to catch her blog... my new commenting friend, please do so... she shares from the heart...

And then there's grace...

2006-08-29T21:39:00.000-07:00

I discovered when a young man asked for my license last month when I went to rent a car... that there was something up with my license... at the time I thought it was missing but what I came to discover is that it had expired way back in January... and I had not gotten a new one. I have been driving for 8 months without a license... I have even rented a car without a license! I can not believe it!

I had thought I had just misplaced my renewed license... don't ask me why... the guy at the rental place believed me and took a copy of my passport... as proof of identification. What would have happened if I would have been in an accident trouble! When I think of all the people I have had in my car in the last 8 months... I am a little sick to my stomach at my irresponsibility! ARRGH! Do you know that all insurance is cancelled when you don't have a working driver's license? Even if you are in an accident and it's their fault... they can walk away if you don't have a working drivers license! Even though I have paid for insurance... I have bascially been without insurance for 8 months! The thought is rather terrifying... God's grace that I haven't had any problems!

Upon discovery of this fact this morning.. .(I called DMV to get a copy of my "lost" license) I couldn't believe it! My boss and colleague told me I needed to act on this right away! I drove very carefully to the DMV in Glendale.. I picked up a book to study for the test... and made my way over. I was a little panicked because the sign said testing ends at 4:30 and it was 4:00 when I got there... it meant I couldn't fail on the first test! The guy behind the desk let me know that all I needed was a new eye exam.. and no written exam would be required!!.. yah! What grace! Thank u God...

I then received a precious phone message from Jakob... saying, "This is Jakob... are u coming to my party?" "call me back!"... he was reminding me of his birthday party tonight... :) so precious... I went over.. and he had 20 boys 4-6 years old... over for a slumber party... wow! I actually think only about 10 were staying over night.. I brought a video and chocolate kisses.. (his mom loves me... not!). He told me that I gave him his favorite present... and he gave me the biggest hug. He is so precious... grace filled... tonight. There is nothing like that!

I have the most amazing team in my new class. I do believe that we are going to rock the house (school) with our consulting project... this semester. These girls are on the ball..... why did they want me on their team? Not sure.. they are amazing. I love my prof for this class... Dr. R! She is an amazing woman... and one I would love to emmulate.. she throws energy and life out all around her... and every word she speaks in class is packed... it's going to be a great semester...

thank u God... Joy comes in the afternoon... after showers of grace upon grace...

Those days...

2006-08-29T06:41:00.000-07:00

"Our security lies not in protecting ourselves from suffering, but in putting ourselves fully into the hands of God." E.E.

You know you have some days... that are not the most beautiful... that bring with it the darkness and take away light...

I have had a migraine for the last two days... and even as I look out today the day seems a little darker...

My really good friend Conna is going in for a test for cervical cancer. She is a single mom of a beautiful daughter Faeron and she has a lot of fear about the test and results. Being face to face with losing Helen last year I think has made life and death so much closer for us... especially with cancer... We have hope because we know Him...

Today it the year anniversary of Katrina... and I know my friend Ron from New Orleans is remembering the tradegies... the chaos... as it will soon be the one year anniversary of his son Caleb's death that resulted... remember his family...

I want to put something really beautiful here that resolves all of this.. makes sense of things... but sometimes in our lives there is not a beautiful resolve... there are days when we just hold on to what we know is true. God is good... He loves us... He has a plan... beyond this life... this daily toil... thank God that it is His grace... and not who we are or our doing... that saves us..

History Matters: Let's talk about the Da Vinci Code

2006-08-23T18:03:00.000-07:00

It took me a long time. I had the book for months… I had no desire to see the movie and even when my office passed around the book… discussed the movie… I kept out of it…don’t ask me why… it’s not something I would usually do. Well I finally broke down in July and went to see the movie. I fell asleep. Wow it was so boring! When I saw the movie, I didn’t understand all the attention… all the craziness. It didn’t make sense to me… how can the world be so ready and willing to take one man’s crazy “take” on history and run with it? Why? Why? It does baffle me a little. It seemed like a boring fictional story book to me… but the world has responded and loved it… the book is now in 44 different languages and sold more than 40 million copies? How did that happen?

Well I received a magazine (don’t know how I get it… someone signed me up) from Westmont College. In it was a great article on the Da vinci Code and the person of Jesus Christ… wow and it’s from a Ph.d. that graduated from Duke University and did a little studying on the subject… imagine that…. who would think to do research on a historical subject??!! hmmm! okay. ..I digress… it is a great article … very thought provoking! Thank you Bruce Fisk!

www.westmont.edu/~fisk/articles/Bruce_Fisk_on_the_da_vinci_code.html

Adriana, friends, dating & New blogger Liz!

2006-08-22T17:30:00.000-07:00

Wow… Life changes so quickly doesn’t it? All the USC students are back at school… the cafeterias and bookstore are full of students. Our offices are rather full as well!

I left work on time yesterday and took my colleague Chris to meet his wife and he showed me a new route home (I now have about 50 different routes home). This one is through Dodger Stadium.

ADRIANA –
I had another connecting night with old friends… Adrianna, Michael and Ericka … I haven’t seen Adrianna for months… and last night I was asking myself WHY! She is such an amazing woman. We ate at Kubuki and tried to catch each other up… we are so far behind on catching each other up that I think we had a fraction of what we really needed. Michael and Ericka left us early (the changes in them are amazing… and they are going to Brazil soon)…

Adrianna and I roamed the streets… and talked. As we talked we came upon a handsome 19 year old African American homeless guy… when he asked for something… he asked for our leftovers… and when he talked to us… it was plain to see that he had not been on the street long. His shoes did not match... but other than that he was pretty put together. Adrianna begged him last night to get off the streets… that he was only 19 and had so much of life to live… he kept saying… all these rich people… going by not noticing that there is a life sitting in front of them… “All these rich people”… they have so much money... why can’t they give it to someone like me”… his language soon became all all these “f’n” rich people” with the f-word becoming a constant… meanwhile Adrianna is asking him… what do you do… are u in school? What are you interested in? Why don’t you get a job… you are only 19 … over and over… “Please do everything to get off the streets now”... it was heart wrenching… when he finally cut us off to talk to his friend… and we walked away… Adrianna looked at me… and said “what can I do? I can’t do anything”… she did a lot more than the 100 or so people walking by as we talked did… (and this probably would have been me if Adriana hadn’t been with me) you could tell he noticed that she listened… and that she did seem to care that he was staying on the street… but it wasn’t enough to desire to change.. as he was still being fed there.

Well I found out that Adrianna is moving to Florida! I can not believe it … and she is leaving on Monday. Michael and Ericka leave for Brazil in two days… They have some very interesting ministries started and it is an adventure that they are going on…. Adrianna still with her band… as Niza… and the voxtropolis which seems like a really interesting concept.

FRIENDS
In the last month… I found that Adrianna is moving to Florida… my good friend may be moving to Chicago… and Marsha (and Norman) are leaving for Bakersfield… it reminds me of the year that Helen went off to Texas, Conna to Okla, Lu to Cyprus, and Debbie to Huntington Beach… it is withdrawals all over again. How great that life moves on and friends are changing and growing… but I will miss them tremendously… as I do my other friends. I am so glad we have this cyber world to keep up with each other on! J

DATING
This summer, I have spent some time on-line with e-harmony and Christian café. I have
been amazed at the wonderful people that I have met. I have also been amazed at how much pain and loneliness people really do have. So many men I have met have been the ones to raise their kids.. have been through life-altering pain… life altering situations with deceptive people and life changing events with the death of loved ones… It is so incredibly sad. I have met some absolutely wonderful men… that I am thankful to have met. They have introduced me to different lives and for that I am grateful. I have been surprised at myself and my reactions… that even though I have done this in the past, I don’t think I’ve been as open to it as I have this summer. It’s been fun really. I ‘ve enjoyed it… and I wish more of my friends were on-line dating… and spending time getting to know new people! :0

LIZ
New blogger! My friend Liz created a new blog… she is so creative… and I love to read her writing. Here it is: http://chicagoandchipotleaddict.blogspot.com/
Check it out!

What an amazing week!

2006-08-19T14:38:00.000-07:00

I really had a great week this week. Started out crazy... but within it were so many rich things... and people and relationships...

I saw so many old friends this week... it give us a sense of stability seeing old friends... u know. Their kids are so beautiful... and so changed since the last time I saw them. I saw the Primuths... in the first of the week... as the Burtch's were staying with them... got to see Paige & Matt and the girls for one last time... saw Liz and Monica as they came over Wednesday... went to Thena's glorious show on Thursday with the Pardini's (Lou&Betsy).. and yesterday went to dinner with Clara Welch and saw one of Lizard Theater's plays (laughed the entire time)... with my good friend Jay Parker. Wow... time goes by so fast... and I have so many beautiful people that have come in and out of my life... I am truly blessed... love these people!

So much to say but so little time... I am blessed... truly blessed. Thankful that before school started God gave me a taste of summer with the beauty of these relationships. Thank u God!

What a rich heritage I have...

What a difference an afternoon makes...

2006-08-15T16:52:00.000-07:00

“O Lord, Thou hast made us for Thyself, and our hearts are restless until they rest in thee”.

St. Augustine

Oh yeah how true that is, eh? What a difference an afternoon makes. You know it’s amazing how often when I have this crazy angst… I have to go back to realize it’s time to reach out to other people. “It is in giving that we receive.” (when do you get that in your brain?) I usually find out that several of my friends are in need… and I needed to have called them or been praying for them.

As I drove home yesterday… I thought who could I be giving to… and started calling on my phone. In 2 or 3 phone calls… my angst was gone… I talked and caught up with some significant friends and thought of some creative ways to encourage others.

I ended up catching a late dinner with Ron & Leticia… my beautiful friends… at a new restaurant in Pasadena and really enjoying the evening. Ron has a lot of advice to give and it is much appreciated by me (and the waitress… he was telling her how to sit our drinks down on the table without spilling!).

R & L are celebrating their 18th anniversary on Friday! Amazing. I love the way they love each other… support each other… encourage each other… have fun together. I think I told you before that I am so impressed with the way they love each other and protect each other. Leticia is all about her man.

Update on Aunt Tommie –
She does not have to have her heart valves replaced. The doctor says she looks good! She wanted to get back to Wynnewood as soon as possible to get back to her garden!:0 How great is that?!!

Paige, Matt & the girls head back to North Africa early tomorrow morning… I’m going to see them tonight…. Gonna miss them so much! I hope that I’ll get to go next spring to see them again!

Update Dad and family

2006-08-14T13:40:00.000-07:00

My friend Mike Milne.. who is over in Iraq dismantling bombs… crazy man…:-) reminded me that I have not posted about my father.and how he is doing. All the major emotional events that somehow I ignore on here… ;0 Sorry ‘bout that.

We are so grateful for all your prayers regarding Dad.

I don’t know if you knew but Dad is an athlete … played basketball for all my young life… and was always up running at 4-5 every morning… we used to go driving and dad would say hey I ran over here the other day… and it would be miles away from where we lived. He always amazes me. As a result he has a heart rate of 55. When he goes into arterial fib… it blasts up there… really high.

When they put the pace maker in they were going to only have it kick in when his heart does something like it did when he passed out… go way under beat. His doctor who is an amazing doctor (Dr. Telles)… decided to see if Dad would stop going into arterial fib if they kicked his pulse up to 70-75 instead of 55.

Dad went in on Thursday… got the procedure done and is doing well. His arm is sore.. where they put the wires in.

Uncle Howard is doing well. They have been treating his heart (congenital heart failure) starting with two times a week and they have been amazed how much of a difference it has made. He is doing really well. We have been excited to hear the prognosis.

My Aunt Tommie goes in tomorrow for a heart valve replacement. We have high hopes for the procedure… she is going to Houston to have the procedure done… and it’s the best heart hospital in the country. My cousin Lisa is the head nurse there in cardiology… so it helps that Lisa knows her stuff and has the right connections!

Thanks for your prayers.

Personally today has been an angst day for me. I hate these days. On these days I probably need to be away from people… and relationships and just work… work… work. And I have been praying about my focus… and application at work these last couple of weeks… it’s a good day to just get to it.

Yesterday in the service they played a song… that I keep hearing over and over in my head today… by Ben Lee “Gamble everything for love”… love it. The guy who sang it yesterday did an amazing job too. I’m going find it and drive a few colleagues crazy with it… this week!

Control

2006-08-13T14:09:00.000-07:00

Why do the themes of our life reverberate constantly?

Since Marsha is leaving to Bakersfield... I took her up on asking me to sing last week and invited myself this week... so I could take advantage of her few last weeks here. :) It was another beautiful service today... It was great to worship God together. We sang a couple of her songs ... In Your Presence.. and "like eagles"... beautiful songs.

The pastor talked about how we hold on to life... and instead of chosing to give up control or losing our lives... we hold on tight. He shared significantly throughout the service about this theme. If we lose our lives... we find life. It's amazing the relief it is when you have laid your issues at Jesus's feet... and you decide to keep them there.

He asked those of use who have control issues to come up and take a key and lay it at the feet of the cross... it was beautiful. So many things I would like to control... in my life. Jesus knows where these things are going. I can lay it all out at His feet...

"giving it up to You"... leaving u to answer for me...

Happy Birthday Marsha!

2006-08-12T01:42:00.000-07:00

It was Marsha's Birthday, August 11th. We spent Friday night with her friends, celebrating her birthday. It was a great night. We celebrated Shabbat. It was also San Lorence (day of metero showers)..... What an amazing experience.

There are so many things I want to communicate about this but not sure if I would communciate it all accurately. I love Shabbat. I love the honor, gratitude, respect that Shabbat brings to God... to families. Saying thanks for everything God is given in a week.... seeing a husband treasure his wife... his family and say thanks to God for them.. seeing a wife do the same..

Lighting candles... sitting around a table sharing and toasting... (there was a name for this... ) giving honor to others... especially Marsha as it was her birthday. This family is a beautiful family that shared this with us.

I learned that Christians changed the day of the Sabbath long ago in Rome... because they wanted to disassociate themselves from the Jews. Isn't that interesting. I really want to look into the history there. It seems like down through history we as xians kept dividing... and dividing... disassociating with those who came befre... until we have so many denominations... so many different kinds of beliefs. And we started with disassociation from the Jews? Which were the people that God chose to bring His son...and His word through. And we still keep dividing. We honor all the rest of the ten commandments.. why do we ignore the sabbath?

MARSHA:
I have the most amazing friend. Marsha Skidmore. Marsha is such a beautiful individual. She has an amazing heart for people. She loves deeply. She gives deeply. She is committed and loyal to her friends. She is not afraid of ugliness. In my life she has chosen to be there in great times and has also listened through painful times. She shares my single stories. She is an amazing single mom. She really has taught me how to worship. I know that I have told you that she "takes a moment" in worship like no one I've seen. She is all there. She brings other people in... she makes a path ... a beautiful brilliant path to the throne. I am very thankful for her friendship and example.

She is moving to Bakersfield and I am going to miss her so much. If you see her you have to ask her the story there... God honors her continually in her life... and her home is a huge gift. I will probably get to see her more now. She is going to come stay with me when she comes up to sing once a month for her current church. She is a treasure.

Thankful.... yet Trust Issues?

2006-08-07T16:09:00.000-07:00

Thankful –

Week-end spent with friends…

Debbie Small – beautiful time going to Farmer’s Market & having breakfast. Her place is so incredibly beautiful. She has done so much with it… and the décor is something out of home & garden, Martha Stewart, Travel & Leisure all in one! She shared with me a book she is reading about “Vital Friends”. She is the “mind expanding” friend. Always. Love that! We were able to get some great basil sauces, flowers, squash flowers… unique tomatoes… bok choy at the farmers market… some aioli sauce… tomatillo salsa… from the breakfast place across the street. Debbie and I switched bags of books… and Debbie gave me about 8-10 cans of paint from different things that she had tried at her house but didn’t like! Great colors… that was amazing!

Liz Sandavol – came over for dinner… we had polenta with garlic, tomatoes, cheese along with snacking on a yogurt dip that she brought over… we talked, laughed and sang to music on the stereo… so fun…

Marsha & Norman – I led worship with Marsha on Sunday. I loved it… leading with her and the songs she chose… went to her church. The band was amazing… met the drummer Doug who does Church at a Loft in my area… that Marsha and I are going to go visit on the 20th. Amazing man Doug. Has an incredible heart for the hurting Christian. Marsha, Norman & I went to their favorite lunch spot… Ovolio’s. J

I started this blog today with my worries and fears. I realize that when I start with what I am thankful for… it puts my life into a little more perspective. I began this blog as a way to learn to write better but also communicate the good to my friends and family. I have so much to be thankful for.

My Issues - Trust –

Where do you start, when do you start?

I do put it all out there… I trust right away… I have many times felt that if I loved fully… then I would trust. Anyone that betrayed me or had motives to harm me would be responsible for their own actions… that my trusting would be in God and not in man. Yes that is my ideal. Do I do it? I try. It’s hard to do. It’s especially hard to do when I don’t always have the best discernment… or when I am hurt.

I have a few circumstance as of late where people’s words and actions, though seemingly to protect me really hurt me. Do I trust that they want the best? Do I walk forward not thinking that they could be using me in some form?

It’s hard to answer and something I struggle with. I do know that ultimately the only one who never lets me down is God. He never fails me. Of course there are times I am not happy with the directions that He has allowed me to go in. And I talk to Him about it… but ultimately He moves me, He speaks to me… He brings hope in situations where I have lost it…

I’m having a hard time today with this Much of it is by my own actions… “If I didn’t say this.. .then… this wouldn’t have happened… if I would have been organized… then this wouldn’t have happened… if I wouldn’t have… It is hard when hard circumstances are a result of my actions. Yet God still loves me. He still has a plan for me. He is still working despite me… and He is still trust worthy.

Putting it all in Your hands… leaving You to answer for me.

Pain is God's megaphone...
C.S. Lewis

My determined purpose is that I may know HIM -- that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the words of His person more strongly and clearly.
Phil 3:10

Miss the dream

2006-08-04T18:19:00.000-07:00

Can you miss something that maybe never really was? I miss a friendship that didn't really start... I miss the hope.. you know?

What happens when new dreams... new pictures come into your life... to be cut down so quickly? I do as Elizabeth Elliott reminds and Genesis 4:5 (I think).... (If you do what's right will not your countanence be lifted up?) I pick up and just do the next thing... time fills quickly. God brings beautiful gifts each day, each moment... and I just need to see them. Doesn't stop the hole...but does give me something to do... while I realize that everything in life is from God's hand..

There are times when it is easy to make an escape... walk out the door instead of just doing the next thing... of plowing through the things that need to be plowed through.... and I have a lot of that! Gotta get going on my field of things to do...

Including my BILLs... being a financial manager you would think I had it together? No! I actually had someone just try to put all these things on my card which made my payment to something else bounce! I had someone who picked up my credit card number and put Tahian Travel dreams among other things on my card. I am now fighting it... but my finances are all tight and messed up this month until it gets settled. :( UGH! I hate these kind of things. It will work it's way out.

Lots happening on the home front.
Dad may get a pace maker next week (Thursday). Pray for him and the wisdom of this choice.
My uncle just got his 3rd stint put in and he is having a hard time breathing right now... please pray for him.
Aunt Tommie is going to have a heart valve replaced in the next two weeks..
My Uncle Orville has been having a hard time too....
My Aunt Fanny who has been driving Uncle Howard around just had some serious stomach pains....
Lots of things going on in my family right now.

International News:
Continue to pray for Mimi and Nabil in Lebennon... as Nabil goes out to help those that are hurt or in need. Pray for their whole family. They are working through Samaratians Purse and also Mosaic if you care to donate to any funds to families in Lebannon.

Lebannon puts things in perspective, eh? The reality that something could come into your life and country that affects everyone just by the actions of a few.... so HARD. Life is short and so incredibly valuable.

Me:
Wisdom with work, should I take another job or stay here. Where do I go? I still have 3 classes (which is a year). If I change jobs I would need to stay on campus.

Mish - mosh and everything inbetween..

2006-08-03T17:47:00.000-07:00

Too many thoughts going on… too many things… need stillness and quiet to be able to look at everything and embrace life right now.

I can’t get away from last Sunday and Tommy Walker sharing his heart about worship. It was so beautiful to be there… yet so hard to be there. It is amazing that the things coming out of his mouth has been my heart for worship. One of the amazing things to me about worship is being able to see everyone’s face… realize the things that God has brought us through and praising God together. It does take us straight to the throne of God. CA has an amazing auditorium in that is it simi circular… people can watch everyone all around the room worship… It was an extraordinary day of worship.

The thing I have always loved about Tommy Walker… is his relationship to his pastor and the church. Tommy has always stayed under the authority and umbrella of the church. His church has a love and respect for the community and the ones that have “gone before”. His music has spanned the globe, but he is concerned with his character and his love and service to the people that are home to him. It is beautiful to see.

Other thoughts -
Had lunch with Joyce yesterday… catching up with my beautiful girls… she is doing so well… but her lap top was stolen… these things that happen that just twirl you around sometimes! L We are hoping to get a few gals together next week.

Had dinner with an old friend last night… a guy I dated in college and two of his boys! They are such beautiful guys… it was a joy to spend time with them. Jon has a heart to go overseas. He just graduated college and is working for the forestry, fighting fires over the summer. He plans to spend his winter months traveling and hoping to work with some missionaries overseas and do some hard labor with friends overseas. He has an amazing passion to do that.

My friend and I talked about our different perspectives on school and that time. It is interesting. It is also interesting the small choices that play out in your life in big ways. We talked about his take on my last “relationship”… it was interesting to say the least. He finds two different people in me… mostly this big yellow person (color scheme’s) but every once and awhile the red flares large. My black/white view of the world, regimented side comes out. He said it has to be a shock to some people. And yes it is there… I do see it. He has the same thing in his life but opposite… he is the RED… person but when he does not have to be responsible he can change to the funny crazy trouble making guy. And that is hard on other people… J Interesting!

He remembers some things that I said to him in our last conversation that are just out of my mind. They bothered him a little… and for me they were just questions around what was going on in the moment and after I asked the questions… I was done with them. He wasn’t through working through those things… and it made it interesting when I had to remember what I asked.

Had lunch today (I told you it’s my catch up time) with Michelle my fellow student at Annenberg. It is great to be talking school again. I’ve only been out for a few weeks, but it has become a part of life that I do love.

I am excited about this week-end and my next week off. I will see Amy tonight… a play with my friend tomorrow night, farmer’s market with Deb on Saturday, dinner with Liz… Sat pm… singing with Marsha Sunday… lunch with Marsha/Norman… thankful for time spent with precious friends. Thank you God that I have the opportunity to do that! Thank you that you put these people in my life. You amaze me.

"I want"

2006-08-02T08:07:00.000-07:00

1 Peter 4: 1-2 Since Jesus went through everything you're going through and more, learn to think like him. Think of your sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you'll be able to live out your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want.

I read BJK's comment from my post yesterday and followed it to her blog! Beautiful heart and brutally honest sharing about her daily walk. Wow.. it was good to see... She shared the above verse in one of her blogs ...

I have been struggling so much with the "I want" "I want" as of late. I have been on a break from classes which leaves a little space in my schedule and I had a plan of everything that was going to happen and get accomplished during that time.. and I have been filled with the "I want". It is so destructive. I already know that the only way to live free is to live open handed... with all of my desires. So why do I struggle with this again? :)

I work for USC and USC just offered a new incentive to buy in the area. They had been offering $25 to employees, they just stepped it up to $50k. I almost bought 4 years ago... just before I moved in with my friends Rickey and Laura. In fact I was going to buy while I stayed with them for 3 months. I looked at a $250,000 house at the time... several houses actually.... but that's the one I almost bought. A year and 1/2 ago I almost bought another house... which was 3 bedrooms 2 baths and it would have been perfect to even rent a room out... didn't buy. The houses in that area have went up something astronomical... like 144% in just the last year a lone. One guy who bought a house when I was looking bought for 178k and it is now worth 720k... it is astonishing... I look at my poor choices in this... and go back to the wanting and regret! Sad.

I can't however forget the beautiful relationships that came out of living with my friends for 3 years... the support, strength and insight... the lifetime of really being family with them.. and their friends. A friend recently told me when I said all this.... "yes and I could have bought stock in Apple... I could have bought..." and it makes me laugh... this regret doesn't do anything constructive for me! I can only attempt to make right choices today.

There are goals...

....and i know God has a part of those for me.... but I live open handed with them. I am so amazed that I am able to do my Master's at USC. It only costs me the books and my time... I don't have to pay tuition. I have thought about getting my Master's for 20 years.

... wherever my home is no matter how it looks, I have wanted it to be open to friends... and family.. i have been able to have a taste of that this summer...Matt and Paige... the girls...my family...

... I have been a part of the programming for Women in Management for the last few years... and I get to meet amazing people on campus because of it..
... Met with Tony Nassif last night with another friend of mine interested in combatting human trafficking..
... been volunteering for almost 2 years for Avenues Pregnancy Center..... being actively a part of help in this area.
....started putting some songs down with the help of my friend Thena
....instead of getting out... worked through some major rough things at work... and I have learned so much! It's amazing that my classes on Leadership and Teams, and Conflict were going on at the same time...

I have so much to be grateful for... things that God allowed... that He gave from His hand... I'm getting out of the Tyranny of "I want"... open handed God giving it back to You!

Mel

2006-08-01T16:44:00.000-07:00

Have you been keeping up with Mel Gibson? I love Mel Gibson and have since forever... I hate what he said in his recent arrest… I like most people, was completely shocked at his words. They were strange words to say in a drunken stupor or at any other time… why would you attack a whole race of people with some kind of comment like that? Where does that come from?

I read his apology today to the Jewish community and I just cried. http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/wireStory?id=2260807
I don’t want to begin to understand what’s Hollywood… and what’s not… but that is an apology. That is a turning. He doesn’t just want to say I’m sorry… He wants to work to make some kind of restitution… He wants to do something to make up for all the pain he caused. (Definition: restitution: a : the equitable remedy of restoring to an aggrieved party that which was obtained in unjust enrichment b : a remedy for breach of contract that consists of restoring the aggrieved party to the status quo that existed before the contract was made)

He must understand the old testament… He must understand that in seeing how wrong you were… how much pain you caused .... you really see the consequences of your actions and make change in your life.

What would happen if we could all apologize like Mel? If we could all say… let me come and make restitution… let me work to fix what I can fix… let me give back to you… because I have taken away from you.

It was a beautiful apology.

In other news... Castro steps down???!! Even for a moment? It is strange that we aren't hearing more about that in the news... So many WORLD changing things happening right now!

Longin' to be like the Father...

2006-07-31T18:11:00.000-07:00

I have found myself thinking of Helen today and realize that it is the year anniversary of her death. Wow that is so hard to believe. A beautiful life and heart gone from this world.. for a whole year. Miss you Helen. So much. I am incredibly jealous of where you are right now... you truly were 1000 suns... :)

I have also been thinking today about unforgiveness.

Isn’t it wild that when you choose to not forgive that you stay in the past? When you decide that someone can’t grow or change… you put them in a place that was days, weeks, months & years ago. They don’t stay there… they change and grow and are new people. They have fresh days… if they walked with God… they are constantly changing growing… they are new. unforgiveness doesn’t save them in that past picture. Unforgiveness keeps the unforgiver in a state of frozen animation… in that part of their mind/body/life. Even though it rips at everyone involved, unforgiveness, really hurts one person more than anyone else.

I know there are times when someone is bad for you. You have to cut them off. Yes I know in my life there are friends that say… “you should have cut them off months ago”… but u know what? The father has never cut me off… never not forgiven me… never put me in a place in history and kept me there…. He has allowed my life to be new, fresh, clean, beautiful… every day… by His beautiful forgiveness.

It’s His kindness that leads me to repentance (Rom 2)...

How could I not forgive? How can I SHUT people out… when God has NEVER… NEVER … .NEVER done that to me.

I am so grateful for His love… for His ability to forgive me… His ability to see the hope in me every day. Wish I could love and forgive just a fraction of how He does. Wish my humilty and love were more like His...

The funny thing is I struggle with unforgiveness when someone has chosen not to forgive me... it's so much easier to forgive when there is a reward in it ... when both parties are saying... will you forgive me.. sure will you forgive me... let's work through this... Forgiveness comes easy when you see the renewal of your friendship... something beautiful coming out of it.... but when no one really sees your act of forgiveness or there is not going to be a renewal of friendship... that person has really wounded you... and the entire act of forgiveness is going to be all inside of you... forgiveness is a choice. a HARD.... work at it ... choice. Oh boy.

How many times have I wounded the father... and not even known the entire extent of it... yet He forgives me... so quickly... so easily.

Help me. Help us... forgive as you forgive.

Quotes

2006-07-31T14:50:00.000-07:00

“Whatever you want to do… do it now…. The conditions are always impossible."

Doris Lessing

"A life filled with worship is a life filled with the Glory and Power of God..."

Tommy Walker

"The power of the Universe comes from the throne of God... Worship is a gateway to throne of God – it’s how we are take people to the throne of God…"
Jack Hayford

Modigliani

2006-07-29T23:19:00.000-07:00

I finally had the frame fixed (or a new frame rather) on a Modigliani print that I love. It is called Cabeza de Mujer and the actual painting is at one of my favorite art gallery in Madrid... The Thyssen.

This last year I saw the movie on Modigliani's life. When you see so many of his pictures, they don't have eyes... they eyes are lifeless and colorless. I love this print because it is just a sketch of the head but you see these beautiful blue eyes peering from it! In the movie Modigliani would not paint the eyes until he felt like he knew the person. He didn't paint the eyes of his girlfriend/wife until just before he died. It was so amazingly sad.

How many of us chose to not see until it's too late? Chose to not live until just before we die?

Thena helped me put down a song today.. while she was working on it... I read half of "Walking on Water" by MAdeleine L'Engle. Wow. Amazing book. Wow. The first chapter she talks about the messages currently in her life and u may laugh for me! They were "listen to the silence". "Stay open to the voice of the spirit." and "Slow me down, Lord". I had some moments today where I was able to sit and listen. Thank you, God.

War?

2006-07-25T23:11:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted on the war. I haven't known what to say or what to do? Don't you sometimes want to get lost in your life and forget there are others in the world. Just bury your head and pretend it's just TV? What does that say about us?! It's pretty serious. We are world citizens, we can't get away from it. We are as God calls us responsible for our brothers... How can we be responsible in this situation? How would we react if this was our neighborhood? In the last few weeks...

1) I have received an email from my Jewish friend talking about the terrorist who just want Jewish people dead. It's so amazing how does someone target a whole nation of people for their race?

2) I have received several emails from friends of mine in Beruit. The war is real. Children are huddled in corners wondering if the next minute they are going to die. People are dying. Buildings are shaking and falling down like paper. My friends are light and hope even in the middle of this situation. Pray for them... they provide food shelter... comfort and support. I have wanted to post some of thier emails but haven't known if I should. They are providing support in the form of needs for families, women and children.

3) I have also received emails and posts from a friend going down to fight our government about what's going on in Beruit. She's asking that everyone go down for the rally. She is agaisnt what Israel is doing in Beruit and with the Hezbollah. We have people on each side here...

What do you think about this war? Where do you stand?

Hot Hot Hot

2006-07-25T16:43:00.000-07:00

It is so hot here in Los Angeles. I moved here to this place last year in what I thought was the hottest of the season... and never had any problems with heat here. My place does not have air. It is miserable right now! The bottom floor stays about 10-20 degrees cooler than the top floor... but it is still miserable!

I am stuck at home today because my battery went out on my car. I scheduled an appointment with the body shop to work on my car today... from the two big dings from the last couple of weeks... and now I am waiting for a roadside service to come charge my battery to take it in. I am going to let the bodyshop take care of my battery... and I am wondering if they will take advantage of me? I hate these kinds of things... comes from being spoiled by my dad and brother... I can do them... I can handle them... but I don't want to!

I spent part of the morning working on songs. I had a great worship time .. .there was a beautiful song in there... because I didn't want to end the worship, I didn't write any of it down! I hope that God brings it back to me later.

I am tired from the heat...u know those wanna cry... tired and frustrated tireds? :0 Yep I am there.

I have a mindset right now that I am not going to stay in this place (not my home... my life). I am going to move and change. When I look at the things that God is doing with me.. I know I am moving and growing... but sometimes it feels like slow motion... you know? I don't want time to pass.. .I want to as Mary Lu said in her last response suck the marrow out of every moment. But there are some things I wish I was past. :-)

Love ya... hope u are having a brighter cooler day!

Update pm - God always amazes me... I made it to the car place and from there to the rental... I did not have my current license on me... and they almost didn't get me a car! I was almost stranded because the body shop had closed! My co-worker was in the office and was able to fax a copy of my passport from one of my bank files so that I could use it to rent the car! It is so amazing that she was there. What a gift for me.

I'm gettin' together with Lou and Betsy tomorrow we postponed from today because of my car... he said that a Norweigan man really loved our song that we wrote together and may use it in a recording... which would be wild! (and kind of wonderful!) We haven't quite finish tweaking it... we started it.. .when I was at a crazy time... and he was at a really hard time little did we know it was the last two months with Louis... the song has some of that despeartion in it... it's a beautiful song!

We are going to one of our favortie restaurants... Pane e Vino! :) Yah! I am excited.. my great friends and Pane E Vino as well... My plan was to have people over constantly during this break from classes... and now the heat just prevents that... :( I'm still getting to spend time with friends though. Which is great!

Inspiration

2006-07-24T09:25:00.000-07:00

I had a great week-end.
It was hard, it was hot... but it was great!

I wrote a song... 1/2 on Saturday, 1/2 on Sunday... and I really like it! I love it when God breathes inspiration...and uses other people to do that in our lives. It's amazing makes me love Him more. You know I can't wait to get to heaven... and ask him what these emotions are all about... one moment beautiful... and one moment... your stomach is twisted in knots! :)

I started painting in my house! Granted I only painted one wall... I'm still not sure if I like the color... but I STARTED. I did two coats... one Saturday and one Sunday. It was so hot, I have no air... and it was humid... I felt like I was in Oklahoma (or India or Malaysia). I was sweating.. .but you know I wanted to sweat this week-end... so it was GOOD!

I spent time with my friend Liz... who is always inspirational. She has ideas... and she just puts them out there... she is always working something in her mind. We went to the beach... Newport Fashion Island... and had dinner and sat out in front of the Koa pond and just talked. We drove along PCH... and enjoyed the air hitting our faces and the smell of the ocean mixed with the beach site fires.... and just took deep breaths! It was beautiful.

I took Matt and Paige to the airport on Sunday morning. I woke to the most beautiful sunrise. I can't see it from my house.. in the morning so being out and seeing it... was a gift! The colors... the clouds that it was breaking through.

I went to CA... and the Pastor talked about prayer. I loved it. I loved how he talked about praying for his wife. He said he doesn't give God details about his wife... he knows God knows the details. He prays for her with all his emotion and his whole person. It was beautiful. He said he did the same for his children.

I finished the other part of the song... and couldn't believe how well it just all fit together. It is such a great feeling to have something so complete. I am asking for critic.. however it is still a new baby so I may be sensitive this time... :)

I feel I am learning so much about myself... and about life. I still have some old habits. You know it's a subject we hate... we don't discuss... and is just kind of taboo... or you just aren't supposed to talk about it. I HAVE PMS. I really had it when I was young... boy I remember flying off the handle... as a teenager... in those crazy ways. Somehow I have learned to check my calendar when my mind starts going to that distrusting... "I know this was what it was all about" kind of pattern". The times I get into trouble is when I decide... no that really is an issue and I need to discuss it... and I don't need to check my calendar. I have friends that struggle with this too. I have friends that know I struggle with this. We know that the conversation will completely change in just one more day! :) I hate it. Another question I want to ask God about when I am in heaven. :) And the moment I see Eve... I am going to do some whoppin'! (Just kiddin' Eve... I am sure the mistakes I would have made as first woman would have been just as great if not worse)...

The great thing about PMS (yes it can be great) is that when I learn to control it... schedule it... organizationally and at work I can rock! I can really move... get things done... at the house. To do lists get checked off... it's a great time to negogiate a contract... whatever! I can use that agression for something useful! I just have to make sure I don't have SERIOUS personal conversations that day. It could be trouble. :)

I also realized that suddenly I wanted something and I closed my eyes and ploughed towards it. I didn't want to ask God... I didn't want to ask the other person involved... I just wanted what I wanted. I closed my eyes to part of who I was I think. Even though I think this person is amazing... was it about this other person and ministering to them or was it was about having what I wanted when I wanted it. I think maybe it's a reaction to Dad's accident and even the weird breast diagnsis I had. It was a reaction to looking at my life and seeing how short the time on earth really is. I didn't treasure some things I should have treasured. My mistake. I didn't listen for their needs they way I needed to.

You know I complained about introverts the other day. The funny thing is as much as I hate it because I want and need to process verbally instead of pulling inside... when I have a friend that is an introvert... that pulls away to process... it FORCES me to slow down and evaluate. And then I realize... wow. Maybe it's a good thing. This time it has helped me see what I was doing... closing my eyes and just jumping... Maybe I don't have to be a FORCE of nature. :)

Okay enough. I like my song even though it is sad and heart breaking! :0 www.artisanwell.blogspot.com

My beautiful friend

2006-07-22T07:18:00.000-07:00

I hurt a good friend yesterday by my distrust. You know that quote about a brother offended being harder to be won than... ? Well it applies.

I am sad. Yet I still have to go back to knowing that in it all God has a plan for me. If this friendship is to be it will be. If God is directing otherwise He is directing otherwise. He is in control even when I screw up.

This friendship was life giving for me. It inspired me... brought refreshment... was unique and beautiful. I am thankful for the gift that it was for the short time that it was.

I am sad that it may go away! When situations are out of my control... they are out of my control. Giving it up God... to u.

Open Hands

2006-07-21T11:29:00.000-07:00

Are there times that you need to hear some verses… you need the refreshment that they bring? I needed these verses today.

Hope maketh not ashamed… I am the Lord.. they shall not be ashamed that wait for me.

My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither your ways my ways… Isa 55:8,9

You have assigned me my portion and my cup; You have made my lot secure. Psa 16:5

He who refreshes others will himself be refreshed… Prov 11:25

All that I long for is known to You… Psalm 38:9

Always be joyful… be thankful no matter what happens… 1 Thess 5: 16-18

The bolts of your gates will be bronze and iron – and your strength will equal your days… Deu 33:25

I put myself in a vulnerable position. You know letting yourself go… putting yourself out there. It’s hard sometimes at my age. I want to protect myself. I know that it is in giving that we receive… but giving of myself can be hard.

Open Hands God… giving u things I never wanted to… but u can make all things new… I open my hands… and give it all up to u…

Update July

2006-07-19T18:55:00.000-07:00

I have neglected writing. I have needed to write and to log my events the last few weeks but I have been wrapped up in life… and haven’t been able to. I have missed writing. I admit I haven’t felt very poetic or creative… and that kind of makes me stay away too. Let me give you the last month in points…

Good News:

I am on a break from School…
Matt and Paige are here from Al-J – I’ve been able to spend time with them and the girls!
Norman and I went to Disneyland, Raging Waters… and 2 movies! :0 We had so much fun! That boy knows how to have fun.
I had been called back to the doctors saying they saw something different in my left breast and I needed to have it checked… went back and EVERYTHING IS CLEAR…
I have amazing friends that prayed for me and supported me during that small crisis!
I had some time with Ron & Leticia
I had dinner with Ted & Thena and friends...
I have made some incredible new friends…
Got together with the boys… my fresh mavens they have surprises coming that are amazing!
I had a great time with Liz in the last couple of days
I have had some long beautiful interesting conversations with an New Orleans artist that will remain nameless..
I went to Thena’s show a couple of weeks ago… and she has some new songs that rip… some that will rip your heart out! :0 She is amazing that girl!
My brother’s girlfriend is now a grandmother… does that make my brother a ready-made grandfather when he get’s married? ;) Her granddaughter is BEAUTIFUL! :)

Bad News:
My Uncle Howard is having his 3rd stint put in his heart today. He's been rather weak this month... he needs lots of love and prayers.
Colleague from work had a brain aneyrsm and my other colleagues have been very upset and going a little crazy because of it… (pray for her - Lois, she has two young girls...she is doing amazingly well... but it's a BRAIN aneyrsm!)
I applied for a job I really wanted and haven’t even gotten called for an interview….
I haven’t found a new church yet!
I can’t seem to commit to paint colors for any of my house! (This is serious!)

You know life is wild… it has been a surging sea this year of events good and bad… it’s wild. How easily it is to allow that sea to make me drift… instead of staying anchored in my Harbor… my HOME…. I swim against the current constantly to only find that I have been held by big strong arms… and I didn’t have to swim as hard as I thought…

As if we didn't know where I belong! :) PARIS

2006-07-17T14:44:00.000-07:00

You Belong in Paris

You enjoy all that life has to offer, and you can appreciate the fine tastes and sites of Paris.You're the perfect person to wander the streets of Paris aimlessly, enjoying architecture and a crepe.

What European City Do You Belong In?

Today --

2006-07-05T17:12:00.000-07:00

Had a great time over the holidays... so thankful for my time with family and friends. I am blessed.

If you can't tell by the comments below... having a bit of angst... today! I'm tryin' to make light... I do find it all rather funny!

Why?? Why is it that when I have a pause do I see all that I don't have? A friend of mine was talking about a show he did... that was about the pause. The Se-lah. I really love the thought of his show and all it meant for him.

He suggested that maybe my life right now is a pause for me... I have had too many friends tell me lately that I NEED to PAUSE... First of all what is a pause? Can you tell me? :)

When I do what I think is a pause... I don't always like what I see. When I pause I feel guilty for everything that hasn't come about... for everything I haven't done... for the poor choices I've made with various things... When I pause I spend a lot of time "outlining" my life and what I need to add... and everything I need to "do"... and everything I want to get accomplished.... everyone I want to get caught up with... Why is it hard to P-A-U-S-E? Why?

JUST...asking the question...

Another question... why is it when I stop... and say hey okay I think I'm ready... I'm ready to explore this... or I'm ready to answer the question... or consider this... why is it that when I finally do that... that the other person asking is not THERE? What's up with that? Is it because they didn't want the answer? Is it because suddenly in thinking they might have an answer they are afraid? Is it because I took to long to answer? WHY?

Another question .... Why is it that this lonely introvert can hear from 30 people and still want to hear from more? :) What is that about? I thank God that I get that angst ...for from it... I reach out to others... but why is it?

Another question... why are so many of my best friends freakin' infp's?!! why do I have i's as friends???? Don't you think E's should have a rebellion agaisnt the i's at some point?? We should go into our deep undersea caverns and leave them out exposed... and vulnerable! ;) or another option... e's need keys... key's to the i's cavern.... i's come out! Come out of your caverns! :-) I like that idea... special keys for e's... access to the i caverns... ooohhh! :-) I know Men are from mars says that men have the caves... well men that are i's definitely have CAVERNS... not caves.... and my i women friends have their own beautiful hideaways...

I love all my i's... really i do. :) especially those creative ones that surprise me at times with their intense creativity and feeling.. even though you drive me crazy I really do love ya.

Okay. Enough of my intense emotions splattered all over the place! :) In the midst of everything I have to "pause"... take a look review... where is it all coming from... what is happening in me when I get to the "I want it yesterday" syndrome? When I am not grateful for what is ... and what is all around?

James 1: 2-4 says that under pressure our faith-life is forced into the light and it shows its true colors. We are not to try to get out of anything prematurally.. that we need to let the pressure work in us... so that we can become mature and well-developed.

Ready for the well developed already! How soon can I get there?

Love ya kids I really do. ;)

Thena... Naisa

2006-07-01T09:17:00.000-07:00

I went to Thena's show last night... wow it was amazing! I love her friend Sal... that played with her. She has a couple of new songs and one that is amazing.

Her friend Sal lost his daughter this last year... and Thena wrote it for him...it is beautiful. I thought of Helen, Chip & Phil who we've lost in the last couple of years.. I thought of my friend Ron and his son Caleb... it was beautiful! Wow!

I think that though this concert wouldn't be something Thena would say was the most smooth... she had some incredibly real moments... this new song... her rendition of "Somewhere over the Rainbow"... both of these struck straight to the heart... and just exploded in brillant color and texture. I think that I would have to say it's my favorite so far! She is amazing! Proud of that girl!

Out of the shadows stepped my dear friend Naisa..her sis and her boyfriend. She is my precious one that girl. She has had so many things in her life... so many situations that could drag her down to the bottom of the ocean yet she keeps going ... keeps walking ... keeps trusting. When we are able to talk... we talk for hours.. then we don't see each other for months.

She said last night reminder her of a worshp that we all led together. I remember.... that was very special both in the rehearsals and in the time together.

Thanks for the moments.. I love u beautiful girls!

Magic...

2006-06-16T19:14:00.000-07:00

A friend has been challenging me lately to go back to the one true magical physical thing that we have here on this earth.... he says it is really the only thing that has power in it..... that has the power to change me.... my heart.....who I am.... challenge me..... it is the highest denominator.... on earth...

the word...... yep......word of God...... left for us......crazily pretty much the same word that has been around for thousands of years..... it has all of the power that God could leave for us...... yes..... its magical..... the way it speaks..... flows.... calms..... sooths .....inflames .....it finds me guilty.... and yet ....it brings me joy .....its so hard to comprehend ....how something on this earth..... can so move me .......can so affect me ......yet its so hard...... to spend the time I need .......the time I long for ......desire with it...... (Yep its the the word... the message... the dare I say it? the b-i-b-l-e...)

Okay stop it... you are already thinking about people... stop it... don't think about people... don't think about the TV shows that shows you the man in the black suit waving a BIG BLACK book and calling everyone whores and thieves... stop thinking about that crazy person in your office or in your neighborhood that claimed to be something... hurt u.... and it made u think those people are CRAZY... don't examine something magical... by another person...

Stop... look... for yourself...

What does it do to you as you read? What could it mean to you? Dont start with something that's outside of understanding for u..... all the litanies of names, old health rules for an ancient culture, etc. ....... start with the poetry of psalms..... start with the love of 1 Corinthians..... start with the family and familiarity of Philippians..... start with the stories of John...... start with the beauty of Isaiah.... flying up ... soaring....like wings of eagles... Let me know what u think...

prov... he who refreshes others... refreshes himself...

psalms .... i put my trust in u... and leave u to answer for me...

psalms... as for me... I will always have hope

Isa.... i will give u the treassures of darkness...riches stores in secret places...

Romans... God's act of grace.... is out of all proportion to my wrong doing....

More Isaiah...

"If you get rid of unfair practices, quit blaming victims; quit gossiping about other people's sins, if you are generous with the hungry and start giving yourselves to the down-and-out, your lives will begin to glow in the darkness, your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight.I will always show you where to go. I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places firm muscles, strong bones.You'll be like a well-watered garden, a gurgling spring that never runs dry.You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew, rebuild the foundations from out of your past.You'll be known as those who can fix anything, restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate, make the community livable again.
Isaiah 58:10

(Highest denominator?)

The highest denominator.....

2006-06-16T19:10:00.000-07:00

The highest denominator.... someone once said relationships fall to the lowest denominator...to the lowest level of being that the other will accept.....

.....what would it take to be the highest denominator ???

Would that mean you were fully alive? fully aware? fully giving? Fully investing.... learning.... growing? What would it mean? Would the challenge of being the highest denominator turn the other person off? Would it attract you to high denominators? Would it draw or take away?

What do you think? ....still thinking about that quote.... we all long for someone to make us do what we can...

Yes... okay... I admit.... I want to be a high denominator! .... and yes... I know that drives some of u crazy! :)

Equilibrium? Really?

2006-06-14T19:06:00.000-07:00

I love this QT from EE... and I absolutely love this verse..... ALL that I long for is known to Him... my sighing is no secret...

Yeah it's true... I have hopes and desires... that lay hold... that drive me crazy.

Thank u God that I can put it all in your hands.... and leave u to answer for me...

Spiritual Equilibrium
Sometimes a hope or desire lays hold on one with such power that it becomes almost burdensome, even though the thing is a delight to contemplate. The ordinary business of life must be attended to, but this thing carries a lot of weight in soul, mind, and heart. It has a strong pull. And when you are carrying a heavy weight, you have to compensate in order to keep your balance. The best means to spiritual equilibrium, I find, is to look repeatedly at the things which are not seen, that is, at things which are eternal. What Evelyn Underhill calls "the pressure of the Divine Charity" forever urges me forward, counteracting the pressure of my emotions and human desires, reminding me with great patience and great persistence that this thing--this love, this longing, this huge desire--is the very thing God Himself gave, in order that I might have "somewhat to offer." He will see to it that it does not come to nothing, provided we lay it before Him, put it at his disposal.

Lord, all that I long for is known to you, my sighing is no secret from you... I put my trust in you, Yahweh, and leave you to answer for me, Lord my God.

--(Ps 38:9, 15 JB

Making a Difference

2006-06-11T12:16:00.000-07:00

There are so many times I ask myself the question... who am I? What am I doing? Am I making a difference? I read this today.. in another blog... I've read it before but it was a great reminder... from Charles Schultz, creator of "Peanuts".

You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read straight through, and you'll get the point.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winner for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
Easier?
The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
It's already tomorrow in Australia." (Charles Schultz)

Long time

2006-06-10T16:04:00.000-07:00

I went last night to hear my friend Zack at the Martini Lounge in Huntington Beach. It was a great opportunity to hear him and mix the company with my great friend Debbie Small, which I haven't seen in forever.

I miss her. It's funny how life separates us moves us to different places?

Zack was amazing as always... dinner was horrible... the cook had left and we waited probably 3 hours for our dinner. :) I was amazed at the talent and creativity of people. They have something to say... something they want to communicate.

It's amazing to watch Zack zoom through life and hear the songs he writes as he processes. He just wrote a beautiful song for his beautiful new song. I love the way Zach is gracious and grateful for everything in his life. It's beautiful to see.

I was thrown back also because I am not singing, or writing at all lately and I remembered that last night.

There was an amazing woman that sang last night so incredibly gifted and she has to be at least 10 years older than I am. It was great to see/hear her perform. :) Her voice was very pure.

Miss writing.. .and I am hoping to get back to it. In fact I will probably back date a blog or two and tell you the story of what happened to my Dad recently.

God is good.. in the midst of everything He is so incredibly good.

Further on Dad...

2006-06-01T19:19:00.000-07:00

Dad is home and doing well. In fact I have had to hire Peter John as the "ENFORCER" and threaten Dad every time Mom tells me he gets out of line... that I am going to sic my "ENFORCER" on him :). He is home... hoping for visitors and callers (he can never have enough visiting!)... he is up and about a lot and takes rests in between. You might even get an email from him soon! He's already up and about and watering his garden.

FACTS different than the last update:

1) He has 6 plates 3 on one side of his jaw, 2 on the other, and one above his eye.

2) He lost almost all of his teeth in his front bridge that he will have to have replaced.

3) He is wearing a neck brace. They aren't worried about his C-5, C-6 fractures but say to wear the brace at least until his doctor follows up on those fractures.

4) He got his 13 stitches out in his lip. His other stitches in his mouth and nose will dissolve on their own. His stints may come out tomorrow.

5) He has a lot of follow-up appointments (including one tomorrow) so he and mom will be busy. Pray for Mom as she drives.

He is drinking his oatmeal... and being creative with his other foods so he doesn't have to chew. Peter, Mom and I all caught a sore throat and cold/flu from the hospital. Peter is almost over his..Mom sounds much worse then me... and she is at home taking care of Dad.

As if we didn't have enough drama... I came back to work on Tuesday along with a disgruntled employee with a gun that had been in on Friday (while I was gone) and arrested. He was out on bail on Tuesday and came right back here. We didn't see him, but he was in our basement with his own arsenal. Apparently he got out again on Wednesday and this time took his shotgun down to the Los Angeles Courts and got put away on a felony and bail was finally put at a range he can't get out on real soon! Unfortunately he is a veteran and got laid off here in March/April... so we think this is some "left over stuff from the war".

We have really felt your prayers. Again we are so thankful for all the love and prayers that have been so apparent to us during this time.

Dad!

2006-05-27T19:21:00.000-07:00

As you know my family was off for a big adventure this week as Mom and I went up to Montreal for a conference I had and Dad and Pete were going to be wild men and play at my house while we were in Montreal! Well all was well... my dad was having a good time... walking around meeting all of my neighbors... going to a church in the neighborhood... picking up my cousin Lisa from the airport and visiting... I think when he decided to go to Bally's to workout Sunday afternoon he did just a little too much!

He went into arterial fib (I always spell this wrong!). He took an extra pill before going to bed on Sunday night... to try to get him out of it. It lowered his blood pressure enough that when he got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, he fainted after coming out.... unfortunately my house/apartment has stairs coming out of the bathroom.... Dad did a face plant straight to the ground. Dad doesn't remember any of it (and we are all thankful he doesn't remember). He must of been "out" for a little bit... when he came to he called Peter and told him to go get help at my neighbors up the stairs. Peter went to my neighbor Monique and pounded on the door. He was yelling at the same time... "My dad's sick".... Monique recognized his voice (it was 3:00 or so in the morning... and my neighbor Amber also heard Peter and came out. Peter told Monique, my dad is sick, he needs your help. She said does he need an ambulance and Peter said yes. She called the ambulance and my neighbor Amber ran into the house.. and held Daddy's hand and talked to him... asked him a million questions. :0

The ambulance took him to Glendale Adventist hospital. Dad had several thought during this time. When he was talking to Amber he thought he might have had a stroke... because his right arm felt numb... but he realized he had been laying on it... I guess for a little bit... and it had fallen asleep. After he got to the hospital I think he must of thought it wasn't much... because he told them not to call anyone... he didn't want Mother and I coming back from Canada! I was so thankful for my neighbor who went to visit him later and found this out and decided to call us and told Dad... I am going to call Wendy.

Peter and Dad sat together in the hospital emergency room, and they had a very sweet attendant named Ellen. Ellen said that they were breaking the hearts of all the nurses in the ER... how much they were worried about each other. Peter sitting very carefully by Dad's side... telling him it's going to be alright! Dad telling Peter it's going to be alright. Ellen was very helpful and kept mom and I informed. At first because dad hadn't wanted to tell us I had thought it wasn't that serious. Ellen was the one that let me know how very serious it all was. We are grateful for her.

My friend Marsha came up and picked up Peter and checked up on Dad for us. Mom and I struggled to get home from Canada. Air Canada was not going to put us on a flight that night... we begged, prayed and went from person to person until finally we got on a flight going to Toronto that took us on to LAX(there is a long story there too but I won't bore you with it). Jim and Dawn came down, saw Dad and picked us up at the airport. They had Dad in Surgerical Intensive care. The nurses and people at Glendale were really nice and very informative.

The next morning Dad had already decided he didn't want to stay in LA and made a decision that we would take him to Fresno, I of course didn't like the decision and tried to keep him in Los Angeles. I was not comfortable with him in a care just coming out of intensive care. The doctors later that afternoon said they felt like he would be okay coming to Fresno. They asked that we wait until morning. He checked out, and we went to my house. My cousin Lisa came by and visted which really made us all feel better about some of our decisions (she is head nurse in Houston) :)...

So currently: Surgery went well. He stayed in sinus rhythm which was what we were praying for! They put three plates into his face... two that connect his upper and lower jaw (not sure of the term), one above his eye to keep his eye in place. They fixed his beautiful nose (which he was concerned about! :)), they put stints in that they will take out later. He needs to follow up on his broken tooth and his C-5, C-6 spine fractures. The doctor said they weren't much to worry about, but they would need follow up. Dad will not be able to chew for 4 weeks.

He was in surgery for 2 hours, in recovery for about 3, and came out... in was in some pain which he had been telling us he hadn't been in any the previous time. But he said the difference in the way his mouth feels is amazing, it feels so much better. He was able to drink his supper... and still wanted to visit with everyone there... Jimmy & Dawn, Peter, Mom and I and all the nurses.

Thank you for your prayers. Please continue to pray that he stays in sinus rhythm and that he heals well.

We are thankful for so many things!

1) With Dad' cumidin level we are blessed he didn't lose more blood.... he could have easily bled to death.
2) We have great doctors and Lisa which we can get information from...
3) All the nurses fell in love with Dad.. so they are very helpful..
4) We have great family and friends that are praying for him...

It was evident to all that God's hand was guiding us this entire time. Thank you for praying.

My French Name

2006-05-13T17:31:00.000-07:00

Your French Name is:

Olivie Dufaux

What's" Your French Name?

On Fire

2006-05-11T15:07:00.000-07:00

Mark Twain –
“Our deepest desire is to have someone make us do what we can”

I had lunch with my dear friend Thena today. How grateful I am for my friendship with her and these moments that I get to spend with her. Suddenly life comes to life!

Do you have these people that bring you to life? I have been playing over and over again today… Switchfoot’s “On fire”. I don’t know all the lyrics to this song… I am not sure of all it is saying… but what sticks in my mind is “you’re on fire when he’s near you”…. “you’re on fire when he speaks”… “you’re on fire burning up in his mystery”….there are people who just do it to me… put me on fire… in random order of what comes to mind today… Pat, Thena, Phyllis, Wolf, Erwin, Holly, B, Bruce, Marie, David C, David F, David J, Scott, Leticia, Dewart, Bill, Dr. R, Bob ... those special moments with Dewart, Lu, Let, Ron... Hele....with my girls....

Beau-ful people.. love u…

Thank u God... that u put me on fire... keep burnin us up...

Paper due!

2006-04-30T20:25:00.000-07:00

I have a paper due tuesday night! It amazes me how much I can do when I have a paper due... how creative my mind is... how I can see projects that I have needed to do for 6 months... how I happen to think of 30 other things that I need to do. How my mind has a LIVE interest for just about anything that heads my way... I love the aliveness of my mind at this time.. .

What I don't like is that I have to pull my mind back to my paper... PULL... go back work on your paper.

My paper is on strength finders. Since that day in the hospital when Chip explained to Rick and Sue Yamamoto and myself his need to really communicate the strength finders and give ways for people to learn about their strengths and start to focus on them.. I have wanted to study strength finders and know more about it!

I spent the last couple of week-ends reading books and articles on strengths! It really is amazing! I already see in my life areas that I have not focused on that I have needed to and I see areas in other peoples live that I would like to invest in and see them enriched and growing.

Calvin and Hobbs

2006-04-27T17:57:00.000-07:00

Almost All Calvin

You are 90% Calvin and 10% Hobbes

While Calvin-ness predominates within you, there are still traces of sensibility, kindness, and reason in there, too. Your Calvinesque side makes you adventurous and lively, and you temper that with Hobbesian good-sense, most of the time. It's a good combination. Look how cute you are with the little tail and stuff.

Dancing

2006-04-22T19:08:00.000-07:00

I felt like dancing today... :) could it be spring????... but it's overcast today!

Thanks for the dance...

Spring

2006-04-21T18:47:00.000-07:00

What is it about spring that brings everyone out of the wood-work? I love it but I am not ready to peak out and see the sun just yet. I have too much work on my desk... and a presentation and a paper yet to do for class...

Give me a couple of weeks and I'll be there! I promise!

Let the morning bring me news of Your unfailing... LOVE!

Madrid, Paris and London

2006-04-09T21:40:00.000-07:00

What a great opportunity I have through my work... to travel. I only go abroad really once a year... but it is a trip to Madrid and Paris. This year I decided last minute that I hadn't seen London so I would "drop by".. I took the chunnel over to see London.

What do I remember this trip?

I remember Anna and Tom King - having dinner in Paris with their family! It was amazing! I love catching up with them.
Petite Palace.. in Paris.. it was by accident that I went in.. I only had about an hour and 1/2, I had to be somewhere.. and I went in.. wow the ceilings are amazing... the walls with old tiger oak.. it was beautiful...
Pompidieu in Paris.. I was disappointed because they had put the Miro's away, which was what I went to see... an exhibit on Los Angeles was there... I had to peak.. I want to hear other opinions on this exhibit... but I felt like they had sucked the life out of LA and then displayed it... I really didn't like it that much.. BUT I LOVED the view... from the top of the Pompideau... I could have stayed there a few hours. You can see Paris spread out all before you so beautifully...
Ste Chappelle and walking around the Isle... that day...
Meeting Santiago... on the way to London, and back.. a retired soccor player from Argentina... amazing young guy... committed to his family and his country in such a beautiful pure way... loved being able to talk to him for those hours.

Breakfast in London... little shops.. walking alone the river... the London Bridge... London is so different than I ever imagined it... I didn't get to see much because there were demonstrations in the street... but I walked along Kensington Park
Rastro in Madrid -- someday I will get to see the Palace.. everytime I go it's closed! :) I do love Madrid... the food, clothes, parks... you know what I love about Madrid....it is such a romantic city.. couples in the parks are holding hands... families are playing together... couples actually enjoy the park .. spend time there... beautiful. I also love the schedule in Madrid... work at 10:00, lunch at 2:00-4:00 (that's early actually)... back to work.. .then out late night! :-)

The world is so small, yet so big... people in every country are so beautiful. The walls are coming down, slowly but surely. God made so many beautiful people..

Back

2006-03-26T08:56:00.000-08:00

I have not been the blogger I used to be! I am back from my trips... and I do have lots to say about it...

I wrote a bit on the trip and will try to back date and share some of the information!

Algiers, Madrid, Paris, London! I wasn't thinking of it as anything big... but once I am there and doing it .. it's amazing.

My favorite time was just spending time with my friend Paige. We just did daily living and spent time together in the middle of that... (also for her birthday!) it was a GREAT time. She has great routines, meals... for the girls... the girls are so bright... and beautiful. Matt had some surprises for Paige for her birthday... it was a good time!

Al - J

2006-03-07T09:02:00.000-08:00

I arrived safely... into a crowded airport in Algiers. I met some incredible people on the plane... and making it from Charles de Gaulle airport to Orly wasn't difficult... I made it just in time to catch my air flight to Algiers. I met a French woman and her Algerian husband who had made his first trip back to Algiers since he was a child... on the airplane... It was kind of funny this woman could not stop laughing and saying rather loudly on the plane… oh my, YOU are an American woman and you are going to Algiers! I never thought I would meet an American woman going to Algiers. We went into the crowded passport lines... which I had no problems getting through. My friend and her daughters sat outside on a fence waiting for me... surrounded by mostly Algerian men.. waiting to meet people outside the airport... it was quite site with the girls in the soft pink.. and long blond hair.. it sat in contrast to the dark clothes and darker skinned Algerians. :) My friends live in Algiers... on the hill overlooking the ocean and the city... it's an amazing site. We have had some rain... but also some beautiful blue peaking through the soft billowing clouds... we have even had some hail. I have been able to spend some great time with my friends as her husband is away for a few days and the girls have been in school. School days here are Saturday - Wednesday... Thursday and Friday are their week-end. The girls are in a French school... and they are learning Arabic very quickly as well... in school and out. It's amazing. My friend and I have mostly stayed in and talked and caught up and done things around the house. I've been able to make breakfast for them a few mornings. We have gone out to go to her Arabic class...where I read... and feel asleep (jet lag!)... and also went shopping for dinner at both an outdoor market... amazing fruits, veggies... great olives and olive oils... and went to a larger market which carried a lot of things.
Their place is a one floor apartment... there is a store underneath.. with the owners living on the two floors that are above my friends floors. They have made great friends with the owners and their families... they help them with so many different things. My friend picks up bread every morning... that is so good... it is a round thick kind of bread... like a wheat pita with a lot more bread inside... She does a lot of different things with it. They have a beautiful place with 4 bedrooms... huge living room with two sitting areas and two areas for tables... she has a woman come in once a week to help with cleaning... The electricity went out last night which was an adventure and then the water went out today. She takes it all in stride... amazing. :)

Brother and fiancee

2006-02-20T17:30:00.000-08:00

My brother and fiancee were here this week-end. It is so great to see my brother so sweet on a gal... and so loved by the gal. He is such a sweet man and he deserves so much. It is a God-thing that I have been able to focus and spend time on family this year. This time was refreshing for me and a new chapter in our families lives.

We went to Little Tokyo, Chinatown and Hollywood... they took pictures with Oscar too! :)

Miss Life

2006-02-13T19:18:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I haven't blogged in so long! Life has been going full blast. It's been rough lately... at my job and I have really had to learn to TRUST God about situations and my future. I have a tendency to trust... and believe the best and then get stabbed in the back. I also have the tendency to create espinoages everywhere. Where do you find the balance in that? Simply by trusting... and that's just got to be what I do. TRUST God for my life, my future.

I found out that I am taking my March trips. I am going to Algiers for a week (vacation), to Madrid for 4-5 days, and to Paris 4-5 days. I am excited... at the same time... the loneliness of the hotel room gets to me sometime. I spend a lot of time alone here in the states... that doesn't bother me... I guess it's just the idea of Paris/Madrid... they are so exciting with people.

It was a treat to have friends last year. Isn't it wild that I had 2 friends last year... and none this year! I have to work on that!

Jason Upton's song... still speaks to me... "I will not fear as I wait for the dawn... if you'll keep on holding my hand... I'm crying out from the depths of my soul with words I just can't understand... you have set my feet upon a rock that's not moving... "...

My ROCK... is UNMOVEABLE... I have no reason to fear... I need to step into the DAWN! :)

How are you doing? If you are reading this I want to hear! :) No lurkers... only doers please...

Musical Influences

2006-01-29T16:58:00.000-08:00

My first experience at loving music had to have come when I was sitting in a cafeteria listening to our Oro Loma orchestra play their pieces.. they were 7-8th graders but it still made me cry. I remember saying I could never be a part of that much beauty. Music does something to me… touches me at the core… to be able to sing to bring that gift to others has always been some of the highlight moments of my life.. Worship of God within music (and nature) has brought me some of my deepest and most sacred times.. to remember God and the things He has done while looking in the faces of family and friends.. there for me is no earthly experience higher…

There are just some of my influences… rough because if I sat down and perfected it… it wouldn’t get out there…

I used to listen to my mother and aunt Fanny sing at home and in church and it was always amazing.

My favorite times when I was young was when my parents dropped me off or let me stay at our old church which was an beautiful old mission in the heart of California… I would sit and play and sing songs and the sound would carry up to the rafters and I felt it carried on up to heaven … those were sacred moments for me… I used those moments when I sang for camps, retreats and with summer musicals..

I learned to play guitar and loved singing John Denver, Karen Carpenter, Olivia Newton John, and Barry Manilow songs. My voice took on a folk quality that I liked… in my senior year of high school we took on Camelot and I played Guinevere.. and learned how to sing from more of a musical voice…

I had some hard experiences in college. I had never been trained professionally so the things they had to say about how to sing… kind of blew me away.. I would go home and work hard and my instructor would think I barely practiced. I wouldn’t practice and she would say hey amazing job. She told me I was not made to be a singer... After she got through with me… I barely sang in the shower…

When I came to Los Angeles, I heard Bill Rissinger an his wife Pati sing… and I had heard them years before … that same thrill that comes when you know you are hearing excellence was always a part of my experiences with them. Bill became my instructor and pulled everything out of me… he started by saying don’t worry about the mistakes… just put it all out of there… we’ll control the mistakes later… he made me sing louder… stronger… clearer… and more confidently…

I had more instructors over the years… but my friends and other artists were the ones that influenced me most :

(Simi Chronological order:)
Luba Luskatoff – lived with her, she would practice over and over and over again.. she really taught me how to rehearse..

Marie Espinoza – she taught me how to learn from others… she gave me Barbara Striesand, Anita Baker, Chaka Chan, Whitney Houston… she would spend time with me… helping me with vowels… just helping me to have fun with it… of course she gave me rock and roll… not to mention just learning from her incredible voice and style..

Pat Caddick – made me learn to say I was a song writer.. also pulled writing out of me.. .always left it open… never closed down ideas but gave me further room to grow… he put such an excitement about music in my heart that It would take me into the morning hours before I could go to sleep if I saw him that day!

David Files – His love of music and ability to sit inside of it… his incredible vocalizing.. and his honest opinions…

Gary Wilson – The freedom and creativity that flowed out of him and into everyone that worked with him…

Erwin McManus – his willingness to put himself out there.. his encouragement to create, write..

Marsha Skidmore – Taught me how to worship… if anyone knows how to take a moment (acting term that I am using for musicans… no other word for it though) it’s Marsha… she is amazing.

Zack Provost – as he went along with Pat… his consistency … his prodding forwarded consistently and his confidence as he worked.. his ability to make everyone that was around him to feel great about working with him in music…

USC instructor whose name is eluding me right now- brought me jazz in so many forms encouraged me and my voice…

Wolf Mail – gave me a love for blues rock… his ability is nothing short of magical..

Anita Baker – would practice her songs over and over again..
Sandy Patty – Embarassed now that I loved flying high with her.. on those high notes but thankful for the vocal lessons!
Amy Grant – Learned too many of her songs..
Matthew Ward and his trio- learned some of their stuff with Chris Wills and Marie – wow.. the blending of vocals became such a thrill..
Shawn Colvin – loved her re-do of Sting’s songs and the way she played
Sarah McLachlan – mellow songs are okay..
Amanda Marshall – Really my favorite style for me..
Susan Ashton, Margaret Becker, and Leslie Phillips – love their songs and style…
Sarah Vaughn, Billie Holliday, Whitney Houston
Brian Duncan – I would have paid to have his voice – he taught me so much – love the purity in his voice..
Shawn Mullins – I could listen to him over and over again and I do..
Third Day – love their band, their worship… their voice.

Too many friends now that I hear or have worked with that have brought texture and nuiances to my own voice:

Leticia and Ron Rippy (loved singing with them too), the “Expose your toes” girls (Sylvia, Conna, Lu, Leticia), the she band, Thena, Amy, Naisa, Niza, Kelda, Cynthia, Narda, Margrethe, Bevin, Bryce, Steve Sommers, Duran boys, World without Sundays (man do I love Otis’s voice and Adams playing! I am so jealous of their ability to sound like one… ), Ted.. Lou Pardini..

Amazing the threads that touch your life through music… each new friend, each new artists has the ability to introduce you to their loves, their influences.. amazing and so beautiful!

Each artist has a history, style, uniqueness, beauty.. that is like exploring a new country… tasting a new food… venturing out into the unknown… and as they become familiar… they bring the comfort of an old blanket, friend and memory as you listen to each song…

Party :)

2006-01-29T13:30:00.000-08:00

Had some friends over last minute on Friday... it was so fun... it is the first time I have had more than a couple over my house. I have been putting it off... mainly because I have felt I have so far to go on my place... and fear! :)

It was great! Ron & Leticia came over... Amy Cole, Liz brought two great gal pals Cecilia and Carmen, my friend Michael brought his friend Dennis... my neighbor Amber and her friend Molly came... it was so fun! It is wild how wonderful having your house filled (okay not quite filled) with people. It was also great to remember how much I love getting to know new people...

Michael is my English friend who is a physical trainer, actor, and ex-boxer... he can speak in just about any accent... and he knows a ton of question games... :) it is so funny! Liz is a writer/actor extraordinare... and she and Michael had Dennis and Carmen reading Liz's articles as monologues... it was great fun! Dennis is a new Los Angeleno just down from Fresno... he wants to be an actor... Carmen is a single mom... that is going to take me snow boarding and surfing! :) Cecilia is a beautiful natural curl paralegal.. and has been Liz's best friend for years... I love these people.

It was fun! I realized as I looked at Amy, Leticia and Ron that I treasure my long term friends so much... they are precious to me... so rich... so giving... so loving. I am blessed. Just as I am blessed by Ms. Marsha and Norman and my family... last week. Marsha is one of the most giving people I know. She loves freely and fully... she sees people with eyes that most of us do not have... I am thankful for that girl!

My friend John has been getting on to me this week about my busyness... and it's wild because John and I haven't talked much the last 7-8 months for him to know that God has slowed me down so much... and I am incredibly thankful for the people that God has shown me are important rocks in my life... I am too blessed.

And yes Lu... we missed you! :(

How much money does Google make from porn?

2006-01-25T10:12:00.000-08:00

Interesting article below... it's amazing that it's only money that makes people corrupt... and not care that in it's compliance... in it's acceptance of pay for "everything" it is influencing and driving our world. So is it really the threat of privacy invasion for these companies or is it the boat loads of money they are making from porn. Do they ever ask the question where this is taking our society? Do they care?

The Real Reason Google Won't Hand the Data Over Forbes.comGoogle's refusal to cooperate with the U.S. government's request for user search data is probably motivated more by the desire to cover its own ass than to protect user privacy, according to a Forbes.com report. The government is seeking a week's worth of Internet search queries from a list of 1 million random Web address in an attempt to build a case that says Internet porn is easily available to minors, which in theory creates the need for the Child Online Protection Act. America Online, Yahoo! and Microsoft have all agreed to hand over the data, which they have assured their customers contains no personally identifiable information, but Google has refused, citing user privacy and the danger of revealing "trade secrets" to its competitors. Experts doubt the government cares how Google executes its searches, saying that it's more likely Google worries about the results of its searches. Public disclosure of how much porn is viewed on the Internet and how often will likely be bad for the Internet, which, by extension, would make Google look bad, as porn is the de facto starting point for many Web users. Google and its competitors all make money from porn sites, but no one knows how much, as none of the search engines have ever disclosed how much porn Web users look at. Rest assured that the figure is not insignificant. Restricting porn and--worse for the search engines--banning porn advertising, could result in a debilitating revenue loss for the engines, and disproportionately so for Google. You have to believe that's one of the aims of the Child Online Protection Act's sponsors. - Read the whole story...

The End of the Spear

2006-01-23T10:58:00.000-08:00

You know I didn’t start hearing about this movie "End of the Spear" until last week… strange because if you don’t know Elizabeth Elliott is one of my favorite people… and I read her devotionals every day!

This movie is amazing. I could not stop crying all through this movie. The screen writers and story did an amazing job to make this movie adaptable to everyone… every moment was beautiful and intense. I have heard this story and read it from Elizabeth Elliott’s perspective but never heard it from anyone else’s…. to hear it from another one of the missionaries sons… was amazing. You see the eyes of a child as you see history played out in the carefree nature of their fathers and families… of all of those men as they went out to face the possibility of death. You knew they took it more seriously than that… but the eyes of a child would only see the childlike faith that it took for those men to go out and face the possibility of death. And it reminded me of my need for childlike faith in God’s protection… in God’s provision.

It’s amazing the difference their lives have made in the Maori people, their future… they had no grandfathers… now they have many grandfathers! How awesome! I highly recommend this movie!

My parents came down for my birthday… it’s wild but it’s been the first time in years that my parents have been here for my b-day. It was so nice to just spend time with them… and Peter… we went to lunch yesterday with Marsha and Norman… and basically just had a nice and easy week-end. It was beautiful!

Responding to Google issue on Media Post

2006-01-20T16:29:00.000-08:00

I responded to Media Post this week regarding an article they wrote about google not wanting to give information to the government. They sent it out in one of their daily posts.

Seeing Both Sides Of The Issue
RE: Feds Search Google (Just An Online Minute, 01/19)

From: Wendy Cook

Thanks for bringing this out. On one hand, this question (should Google give the data to the government) could lead to privacy invasion in the future; on the other hand, I would love to do anything possible to make pornography sites private and unavailable to minors. The research on the problems linked to pornography and the effect it is having on our society and indeed the world need to be addressed. I would be interested in hearing ideas from others who could find better ways of addressing the pornography issue, and I am sure the government would be interested in those as well!

Scott Reynolds & E-RING

2006-01-11T01:22:00.000-08:00

Hey... for all my lurking friends ... Scott Reynolds wrote the episode for E-Ring for Wednesday's episode (tonight!)... Go watch! Niza and Lu wrote about it on their sites... (link on right....)

I started writing about my incredible day today (yesterday now) but didn't finish so I'll try to post later....... I have the best class and most incredible professor! And I got to meet the author of our text book at lunch today.. "The wisdom of Crowds"... a book which I HIGHLY recommend..

Wonder

2006-01-08T16:53:00.000-08:00

I spent last with with Mr. Jakob.. we went to Disneyland! (Can you tell I like Disneyland?). What a boy of wonder he is... he stood mouth open and just amazed at so many things... how sweet it is to a single gal... when someone loves your company and can't wait to see you... when he's someone you lived with for 3 1/2 years... he pushes his little hand up in yours... and is ready to take off anywhere! He is such a child of adventure.

There were a few times last night that I asked him if he was scared...he never was. Later on that night he said Wendy... I did get scared one time.. and I said you were when? He said when the fireworks came... I thought they would fall on us. :) He didn't even tell me.. he just kept watching them. Amazing... we were only in Disneyland for about 3/4 hours... so we ran everywhere and saw everything that we could. He is so FUN!

What an example of living... flush with excitement at each new moment... wonder at life and joy in the living.. :)

Boredom...

2006-01-07T13:28:00.000-08:00

Shakespeare said, “There is nothing so common as the wish to be extraordinary”.

Wow! Isn’t this true? I just sent my friend Bruce… another devotional from Elizabeth Elliott that speaks to me.

Boredom

It’s amazing how a woman who seems so starch and prim… writes these words that strike me to the core so many times.. I really do think the Holy Spirit uses those that are willing to just sit down and write.. and be a part of other people’s lives. Back on topic.. this subject in this devotional was about boredom .. and the craziness that people feel and the things that people do that keep them from boredom… I just remember my young life.. how I had to keep moving.. .keep away from anything boring and I found too many Christians boring. I did not want to be a boring Christian. ..

These last couple of years God has been speaking to me about contentment… about the contentment and purity of living godly and disciplined lives... especially as I see friends like Doug & Laura (Malaysia) Paige &amp; Matt, Kyle & Dan, Bruce & Clara, my good friend David Jarboe, the Audas..so many..... unfortunately when I take a good look discipline and godly contentment in reality is still not a part of my life or desires they way I would like them to be! I do feel myself ready more than ever to be settled.. you know thinking more about adopting or foster adopting kids.. .about being disciplined with life, home (I always gear myself around other people) in living by myself... I have to listen to what God has called me to.

I think I have been attracted to teachers that are kind of rebellious teachers… the ones that have been burned by traditionally Christianity…speak agaisnt old settled christians..the ones that have this edge… because somewhere in them I thought this hole would be filled… some kind of coolness would come… there are too many of these kinds of attractions in my life.. and my friends or others who seemed to live these godly, pure contented lives.. I have looked at and thought oh my gosh I would be so bored.. how can they stand it? ... when you see that kind of life it is easy to feel distant from it... because you are... in some ways you know? Many times because we are looking on the outside and compare our own inner conflicts with the outer view of realities… My attraction to stand agaisnt the crowd mentality.. the never be the boring or dull Christian... the let’s get out of this Christian addiction to mediocrity.. let's be up with the times, with the movies, with current events so we can speak into the world... many times this pulled me out of my fear of BOREDOM... and dullness... in some ways you know I am still called to all of those things (being fully ALIVE).... but I can't forget all of scripture and the daily disciplines that also NEED to be a part of our lives... stillness.. stewardship (with money, time, relationships) integrity at doing your job... those things in my life.. get neglected…. The daily living of life… doing the next thing… the sometimes boring thing.. is a necessary part of our lives. The fruits (the results, the product) of a disciplined life are amazing! They are beautiful… they are pure.. they are relationship and fullness.. and so much where and what I really want to be!

The road to life is a disciplined life… Prov 15:17

At the time, discipline isn't much fun. It always feels like it's going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it's the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God. Hebrews 12:11

USC... USC... USC...

2006-01-04T15:54:00.000-08:00

You've got to be watching it! My boys are playing tonight! You know I have lunch with them all the time... they are so much larger than life! You think you can't believe them on TV? They are beautiful... BIG... TROJANS! Woo hoo! We are hoping.... praying for a win tonight!

Better day today... so thankful for it. Found out my problem had been fixed in Paris days before I thought it was. Found out my BIG boss... was proud of the way I handled the communication... said it was very professionally handled.. Am excited about the USC game... am really excited about my new class Leadership and Teams. The author of one of our textbooks is going to be here the first day of class... his book is on CROWDS... and it is rated up their with "The Tipping Point".. so excited to hear him.. found 4 new friends on myspace... is everyone on their now? Another Extrovert's haven ...

Been thinking a lot about vulnerablity... and LOVE... the older you get the easier it is to turn off vulnerablity... but when you make yourself vulnerable it seems the more vulnerable you are? Does that make sense. I want to be open to love... to allow myself to LOVE freely without expectation... to LOVE without condition... to LOVE opening myslef up to vulnerablity... yet I FIND to do that I HAVE TO MAKE A CONSCIENCE decision to move that direction. I have to put myself at the feet of God... asking for HIS protection... because I'm not holding any...

Love through me... LOVE OF GOD... make me like clear air... I have to remember what I am about. I have to decide to step HIS direction... to FOLLOW... in a path that I don't know the outcome!

Thank you for brighter days, for a future and a hope... for your STRONG ARM of protection...

Satisfied in Him...

2006-01-03T22:20:00.000-08:00

Psalm 16:11, "You show me the path of life; in Your presence there is fullness of joy, in Your right hand are pleasures for evermore."

God is most glorified in you when you are most satisfied in him. John Piper

Found this verse and quote on a website today… wow! I needed to hear it… how many days have I not chosen to be satisfied with what I have been given? How many days have I said what is it God to allow you to be glorified in me?

I had a hard day at work today…. My first day back. I had a problem during the break with some things in Paris… it ended with me on vacation making emails and calls to Paris… and beside that I went in a day during my vacation to work! I wanted so much for someone to say hey Wendy sorry you were sick your whole vacation… wow it’s great that you worked during your vacation.. thank you for taking care of this problem. I learned a long time ago that it doesn’t happen at work that anyone appreciates your work… especially when you are the manager and the policy and procedure holder! :) It is very unusual for someone to take note of any of the work you do… they only take note of any problems that occur or things you might have done wrong. I know that! Why do I have an expectation for more? Why do I long for more?

While I begin the day wanting to find another job… I did end the job thankful. My new supervisor Steve Wagner… has really great advice on how to handle certain managerial situations that I have not managed in the best manner in the past. It is great to talk to him… hear his feedback and try a new tactic in dealing with people. I had to remember to be thankful to God for the good things today.

Sometimes thankfulness is an exercise… and once it is exercized… suddenly… somehow we become thankful… we become real with everything that has been given to us that we don’t deserve.

Thankful today for Steve!
Thankful for my restful warm home!
Thankful for a working car!
Thankful for my new spring semester line up of classes!
Thankful for all the friends that sent me beautiful messages over the holidays.
Thankful for Cindy and Kyle… who I haven’t talked to in ages.
Thankful for finally feeling like being creative with my new home! :)
Thankful that I have my mother and father.. and for their incredible investment and love in my life..
Thankful for my dear friend Marsha… who has been a sister to me these last couple of years…
Thankful for friends who chose to believe the best… in LOVE..

See I started this exercise… now I am crying like a baby! J Gotta try it!

Thank you God that in Your right hand… are pleasures for evermore. You are amazing.

Breakfast with Leticia

2005-12-31T14:39:00.000-08:00

Had a great b-fast with my friend ... How great God is ... to inspire us and lift us up with friends... she is awesome... love her heart... love her hope... and vision for the future...

Bright friends... Beautiful sharing... Beautiful words... beautiful caring.. hope in a moment.. in a word... in a time... for a future that glimmers...

Sang tonight

2005-12-30T22:21:00.000-08:00

Hey... I've been sick and down with the flu... crazy but I feel like I have slept for weeks... Narda called me yesterday and asked me to sing tonight with her for a friend of hers who just got a Grant renewed... for a music studio in Watts...

The group Souled Out sang tonight at the Culver Studios... in Culver City... it was fun... It felt so great to be out... to get to see Marvin, Lynn, Narda, Kyle, Jean... Steve.. .old friends I haven't seen in awhile.... it felt great to sing too... even though I know I wasn't ALL there!

Who is Person of the YEAR?

2005-12-16T17:42:00.000-08:00

Eight seconds of Fame. Eight seconds! :) Can you imagine what it would be like to really be nominated for person of the year? I thank God for the one’s that are potential people of the year… Bono… who has taken his power and position and sought to influence the world with the need of the poor. Lance Armstrong with his amazing lung capacity… and winning the Tour de France… who now focuses his time on educating people about cancer…and supporting funds to aid in research of Cancer… Condolisa Rice… who has been such a shining example while holding such a high position for all women and significantly women of color.

What does it feel like for them… to be there? To be acknowledged for all they have done for society? I hope it feels good!

Two thoughts on this and my picture up there!

One this picture was taken of me in France… at a hotel… when I was broken hearted. God made a way for me through that rubble… such a way and spoke to me so uniquely that yes… it was a significant time. And here through the pain… I am smiling with a hope and a sparkle… I know that God has great things for me.. even if those great things were not my old friend…

The other thought is …There are so many that are never acknowledged or thanked… that do the tough jobs… do the hard jobs… without expecting a return…. Mothers… teachers… professors…leaders… hard workers. Many people are never thanked for what they do. Where do we start to live in gratefulness for everyone around us that is a part of our daily life? We have so many different people that invest in our lives daily. We need to be grateful!

Grateful… for Lupe… who cleans our offices every day! Grateful… for Susana and Jennifer who handle my requests everyday with an amazing work ethic… thankful for my new boss… Steve… who listens… who teaches along the way… who is in support of you as an individual… and not just about the job! Grateful for a new home… and warm house… grateful for a bed… and privacy… for comforts that come with an American home. Grateful for both computers… and the ease of finding out information… communicating that comes from computers!.. Grateful for an incredible education that comes from USC… each class that contains in itself an entire education…each professor… that is not just knowledgeable but experienced! Grateful… Grateful…

God waved His hand… and gave… gave… so much. Who am I that I should have so much or deserve so much! In my weakness He found me… in my solitude He gave me family… a home… in my sin… He still opens His arms and welcomes me in… He gives me too many chances… too many opportunities… too many things… I am His person of the year… yes. You are to! He reaches out and extends His love evenly… honestly … openly to everyone… Let’s keep trusting Him… the only one that can be trusted with our lives…

Time Person of the Year

2005-12-15T11:14:00.000-08:00

After having no time with peps… I made dinner for Ted and Thena (who I LOVE)… went to electric lotus… with Liz… who I love… (I signed her up for Time Square person of the year and they put her picture up last night at 10:16 pm!) see pic!

Wow I relish people… I am so blessed… with the people that weave in and out of my life! Liz encourages me and challenges me… with stepping out of her comfort zone… taking classes… submitting essays … writing theater… acting… putting herself out there. She recently wrote a musical with Lynn Hutchison that Second City Chicago is looking at putting on in the spring!

My brother Peter is going to come stay with me next week and I am excited about that! I haven’t heard about my class yet… and I’m looking forward to working on songs, planning trips, and NESTING… J yes… NESTING.. it is in me! It’s nice to have a home that is all mine for the 1st time in 4 years… I LOVED living with friends wouldn’t give that time up for anything… but it is great to have a home… and to have friends feel free to pop in… and invade my world.

President Sample (USC’s president) sent me a Christmas card… and in it there was a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson,
“Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can”.

I think we have more chief wants in life… but that is definitely one of mine! I started thinking just about this class… and I am so thankful for Connie, Dr. Weintraub, Bruce Hiebert, Marsha Skidmore, Mom & Dad, Phil Brocato, Matt & Paige Burtch… because they have challenged me and pushed me to do what I can.

P-A-R-T-Y!!!!!!!!

2005-12-09T15:59:00.000-08:00

I’m finished with my paper… my paper… my paper… I’m finished with my paper… I’m so glad! Woohoo!

This lonely extrovert… is having a wonderful week-end with friends… also NEXT week too! Tonight Jay’s play… this week-end Norman and I are going to spend time together because his mom (Marsha) is going to be in Seattle… I’m celebrating a friends B-day tomorrow night and Monday I have two parties… but only attending one. J Woohoo!
Already making plans for next week… I’ve wanted to just have a time I invited a bunch of friends over to my house.. but I will have to work it out… my neighbor goes to sleep at 10:00 so it makes things difficult sometimes! I have my Aunt and cousins coming in the week after… and hopefully some friends after the holidays. EXTROVERT TIME!

I’m planning to work on my songs, my house, organizing my life… during the holidays. I have to plan my spring semester with class and travel… try to work out my travel coinciding with spring break… somehow. Lots to do in these short weeks... I have friends and family coming into town which I am very excited about!

I have to tell you some of the presentations last night were really amazing (in my class). There are some beautiful people on campus… there was a group of gals… that topics were on hip hops lyrics and how they objectify women… they had us say some of their lyrics… wow… I can’t believe some of the lyrics of rap! They are horrible. We had some amazing stories… I feel that this program is a gift.

I had help on my paper… my friend Bruce from Canada… and my mother! Bruce challenged me to finish a week early… which really put me on track for getting things done… (because I wait until the last minute… what no? you say can’t be?… well yes it’s true. ) He also critiqued my first page… mom mother grammar checked the rest of my paper… and I am telling you I would have been lost with out them! :0 This paper took so much time to research… on both sides… both the concepts… and the outside research… I love it once I begin and get in to it… but I have to fight my mind the entire time… that tells me I can’t do it… that it’s to hard… it’s too much… what is that? I’m thankful for friends that just remind me to Just do it… Wendy… just sit and focus… so if you were a part of that… I owe my graduate education to you! J Thank you!

ALL THERE YET?

2005-12-04T10:34:00.000-08:00

I am working on my paper. My friend Bruce encouraged me to not do anything on the internet until I was done… I’ve held out almost to the end… but today needed this outlet. I see the responsibility of where I am … and what I am doing and sometimes it overwhelms me. I want so much to write a paper that is excellent… that speaks to women about dealing with abortion.

I have actually taken a tactic I didn’t expect. I have asked pro-life and pro-choice people to come together to deal with abortion before abortion ever comes to the table. If you look at the statistics… the reasons women are having abortions are not what the feminist camp signed up for… liberals including Hilary Clinton are asking pro-choice to take a look at the abortion issue and deal with unwanted pregnancies, before they are pregnancies and unwanted. It means education… if the embryo was a part of our lives growing up… would we have more respect for life…. If we knew that it moved, had arms and legs… if we knew the details of where it is at every step… would people be more responsible with their lives and choices?

Did you know that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes bought a sonogram… so they could watch their child grow?! I think that is awesome… life if in the womb… window to the womb.

Okay just throwing my thoughts out. I am so convicted today with who I am… my weaknesses my inconsistencies… and the disciplines that I haven’t mastered in my life. I so desire to give those to God… and become who He wants me to be… and BE ALL THERE… in every interaction… every paper.. every choice.

Jim Elliott… WHEREEVER YOU ARE… BE ALL THERE!

Thanksgiving, thoughts & paper

2005-11-27T19:33:00.000-08:00

I had a beautiful Thanksgiving with family. I had been frustrated just before going and almost didn’t go…. Part of it was worry about my upcoming paper (I forgot this part of school!) and part of it was concern that my stress would make me make some stupid choices while at home.

But as I went… my attitude changed.. my heart was so glad to be going home to spend time with mom and Dad… so glad to be able to see Fanny, Howard, June & Morgan.. Denise and Jessica… and to also be there for my brother’s announcement of his engagement. Everyone is really excited and everyone loves Dawn. Jimmy is head over heels… and you see it… it is great to see him so happy. Dawn is a special lady.. and Jimmy really honors, respects her… it is beautiful to see.

I am still working on my paper… I am posting a pic here that I saw when Peter and I were at Disneyland… and it spoke to me so richly because of the work I do with Avenues… and because of this paper… isn’t it beautiful. I have often thought if we had a constant “Window to the Womb” women/girls might think twice about abortion. I already wrote about what I experienced when I saw women/girls see the Sonogram for the first time of the baby… it is an AAAHH moment… everyone is silent… in wonder at this little life that heart beats so fast it’s beautiful.

Other thoughts today… I heard sermons on TV and also went to CA today… so many great talks… the things that stuck with me:

Trusting God for circumstances…
Stop complaining (again with the complaining)..
Meditating on God’s word… he actually said hashing it over … like you do in your mind with circumstances… hash over God’s word all day! I need this… do I want TV, news, radio, songs, affecting my thinking… or do I want something that is life changing.. mind altering… to be going in and lightening up my thinking..
If anyone seeks wisdom ask of God and He will give it to YOU…

I loved all of these today… so beautiful to be a part with God’s people all over the world today… and celebrating God’s goodness.. and everything He has given..

We sang an old song at the end of service today: “On CHRIST the SOLID ROCK I stand… ALL OTHER GROUND is SINKING sand.” I’ve got to remember that when mind gets caught up in what the world owes me! J

Tonight as I am studying.. .I made pre-made cookies… gave them to neighbors… am now roasting vegetables for dinner… and I have been thanking God for my warm cozy home J.. (even though today was gorgeous here… it’s been kind of cold at night). He has been so gracious. I have also been asking God for wisdom as I write this paper… insight into how to affect the minds of legislation… young women in regards to pregnancy… babies… and how to slow down and eventually stop abortion…

TECH Gap...

2005-11-21T13:11:00.000-08:00

In my communication class that I took about 5-6 years ago… actually it was right at the time of Princess Di’s death… we talked about how Technology was changing our world. The Prof… Dr. Beniger talked about how the gap between classes was going to GROW… the rich were going to be able to have more information…technology.... gadgets... the poor were going to be hampered by their lack of “equipment… technology”… to some degree I always thought that computers in the schools... the information on the television... etc... was not going to allow that gap but...

I discovered that this last week. A gal (single mother) that works at a coffee cart here on campus… and I have become friends…we talk when I go to pick up coffee… She was telling me about her trip that she has lined up for Christmas… for her and her son. They are going to Guadalajara, Mexico… she said she had yet to buy the tickets… but she had saved money… she said it would cost around $800… when I heard that… I told her… “what?... that’s way too much”… I work in travel somewhat… so let me see if I could find her a better price… I went back to my office through Expedia… found a trip for $329… $659 for both… I went back and told her… come by my office… and we’ll buy them on expedia.. when she came to my office later she explained that she was going to pay $800 a piece! That was what the travel agents had quoted her for the trip! She saved over $941… from expedia… a simple thing that most of us know how to do…

The idea that there a people out there willing to take advantage of a single mom… that way… gets me… but the idea that she didn’t know to get on line to check… bothers me too! The gaps that we have because of technology… is growing…

One of my favorite paintings

2005-11-16T16:45:00.000-08:00

I was sharing this with a friend today... there are so many I love... but this one stops me every time... what do think about it?

What should I persuade about?

2005-11-14T18:17:00.000-08:00

I am debating on what to write for my final paper for my current class. I already told her that I was going to do it on the issue of abortion. It’s all in WHO I decide to target.

If I target teenagers / young women… the process would be different if I targeted

Older people who already have a strong stance for abortion. From what I have heard people on either side of abortion don’t change their minds. If they do so it is a long process. Also… it’s different than when I was younger. People know that the baby is a life… now… they simply choose rights of the woman over the life of a child inside her womb.

One of the strongest arguments (that to me is NOT an argument for abortion) in the dialogue… is FUNDING… now I as I said I don’t think it is an argument for abortion… but I DO SEE IT AS A NEED. If we as pro-lifer’s want to see abortion to turn around we really do have to put our money where our mouth is. Young women who get pregnant do not have financial resources to keep a baby! It’s amazing… they can get funding or free abortions … so easily… so readily… however money to keep a baby?!! NO where to be seen. (Now I don’t see it as a argument to kill… but if we are about getting women to stop having abortions… we HAVE to do something about this!) I also think we need to give couples/people money when they do adopt… in our country. It costs $25,000 to adopt a child in our country. Maybe even more… the costs to adopt are OUTRAGEOUS…. Do we really want people to be free to adopt… we need to help financially! There are some great families that just can’t afford to buy a child!

So any thoughts on my topics? Again let me give clearer choices:

1) Teenagers… education on abortion… persuasive argument against.
2) Older people…persuasive argument against abortion
3) Right to Life…. Need for funding…

What princess are you?

2005-11-11T17:29:00.000-08:00

Which Disney Princess Are You?

Jasmine

You're the girl who has everything but is still desperate for the thing she cannot have, love. Jasmine first wandered onto our screen in Aladdin (1992)

Human Trafficking

2005-11-11T13:19:00.000-08:00

I went to a conference on human trafficking on Wednesday. It was downtown Los Angeles at the Bonaventure hotel. Wow… the stories of human trafficking are amazing. We think that it happens everywhere else… but could never happen to us… it would never be in our neighborhood. There was so much information given to us at this conference… we had sex industry survivors’ talk, we had a mother who had lost her young son to this (they lived in Iowa!) share and we had many other people involved with getting the stories of human trafficking out... tell their stories. I wish I could share with you all the stories… but know that my time and yours is limited so let me just share with you about Rosa.

One of the stories they told… was about Rosa. Rosa was 13 years old and lived in a village outside of Oaxaca Mexico. She was working serving tables in a small restaurant. An acquaintance of her family… starting tell her that he knew of a place that she could make 5 times what she was earning… waiting tables. Rosa had 9 siblings… and thought how great it would be to make 5 times the amount she was making… she would be able to help her family a lot! He told her it was a job in Texas. He said he could get her there. He told her if she didn’t like that job… he would search until he found a job she did like. He told her if she got lonely for her family… he would bring her back to Mexico. She went home that day and talked to her family. Her parents talked to her and said Rosa we want you to finish school… to stay here and wait until you finish your school to leave to find another job. Rosa decided that she still wanted to go… so she snuck out and met this man where he had told her to meet her at a restaurant in town. There were a few other girls that were with him. He began to tell them stories about their new jobs and life in the United States. He took them to a place near the Rio Grande river… and there were several other young girls and men that were also interested in his “job opportunities” that were there. The man had backpacks and water for all of them. He gave them a map and told them how to take the route to the United States. It took them 4 days and 4 nights to reach the spot on the map they had been given. There was a van that met them there. They all went with the people that told them they were there to pick them up. This van took them to Florida.

When they arrived in Florida, there was a sea of trailers that was to be their residences. She was put into a room with the other girls and they were told that they had just been purchased. If they wanted to leave they were going to have to buy back their freedom. Rosa (at 13) was a virgin and a very strong catholic. She knew that the things that they told her she was going to have to do (to buy back her freedom) were wrong. She refused. She would not buy back her freedom this way. She was then beaten and gang raped.

For 6 months she was forced into various sexual acts with men. She serviced migrant men who worked in various places in Florida. They paid $20 dollars received a “ticket” which was a condom which the men didn’t always use. She became pregnant twice; she was forced to have an abortion twice. She was also forced to go right back to work after the abortions. She was guarded 24 hours a day. She tried to escape once and she was pistol whipped and received many bruises and a broken cheek bone from it. She could barely perform she was in so much pain so they gave her drugs and alcohol and soon she became addicted to the drugs and alcohol.

Another girl in this “camp” climbed out of a second story window at one of the places they had been taken. This girl told the neighbors what was going on and then went back to the camp. The neighbors alerted the authorities, the authorities called the FBI and a sting was put into motion. When they pulled them out of there… they did not know the whole story. They treated the girls like prostitutes until translators were brought in and they found that all of these girls were victims. Rosa had several STD’s, Scar tissue, broken bones. From the conference they said that Rosa has still not healed. She is still sick both physically and mentally. She married one of her customers from “the camp”.

This was only one of several stories that were told. Of course this story affects me strongly… 1) because I was a crazy rebellious teenager when I was in high school… I could have thought something someone tried to talk me into would have been great! Girls here in the states, girls from all around the world are also given visions of becoming the next Hollywood model and the scenarios are much like Rosa’s but in various cities and with other customers.

We were told there is not enough information out there about human trafficking… and it is true. We may have witnessed something and not recognized it. It comes at all different levels. There is still much to learn. It is hard to go to a seminar like this and not come out with some kind of fear of man … from the kind of things that they can do to young men and women… and indeed even older women…

Lifetime has a series that they have run this year… that is coming out again in December. I would recommend watching it. Even though it is fictionalized… each story is true… the stories may be 5 stories woven into one character but all of these situations have occurred. I haven’t seen it yet… but I plan on seeing it in December.

For more information on trafficking:
www.acf.hhs.gov/trafficking

If you think you have seen a victim of human trafficking, call 1.888.3737.888

Other resources:
National Center for Missing and Exploited Children 1-800-843-5678
www.cybertipline.com
www.missingkids.com
www.lifetimetv.com (for info on the movie)
www.sexindustrysurvivors.com

A great resource to train kids about the internet being safe on the internet and who they talk to – http://www.netsmartz.org/

Bending reality to me?

2005-11-08T18:16:00.000-08:00

I don’t know what it is… if I was spoiled as a child… or that I always got my way… or tended to reach the things that I pursued but I do sometimes have a problem with not accepting reality when reality doesn’t meet my expectations! :)

This came in my life especially when relationships I expected (both friends and boy-friends) didn’t turn out a way that I expected. With two boyfriends in particular… there would be times that I held on for months/years thinking that somehow miraculously things would work out … and with gal friends… I expected them to have the same commitment as I did or desires that I did about situations, expectations, etc. With work and creative avenues… if I didn’t think I could get it I usually didn’t try.

That quote has really gotten to me lately as you already know… “Immaturity is expecting reality to bend to me”…

Okay there is a balance – when are we expecting reality to bend to us… and when are we merely trying to pray for things to TURN…

Years ago when I talked to Tami Auda about my old boyfriend at the time, whenever he would do something that I didn’t agree with or irritated me I would just blurt it out… tell him… he would get offended, and it would start an argument. My dad usually says... "Wendy just tells it like it is.." or to me... "save a man some pride Wendy"...

I remember that she (Tami) told me when these things happened with Dave… she just would pray about it. She would pray that God would convict him and help Dave understand how it bothered Tami. Tami said Dave always came back around and would talk about it with her. She wouldn’t even have to bring it up! I really thought she was crazy! To me this was so foreign (and really still is) because I just tend to say what I am thinking most of the time! (ARGH) … What wait and pray first? But amazingly enough (to me) when I pray first act later... situations TURN around... why? Maybe God wants me to trust HIM...

I am finding this pattern in other areas of my life…. I want something… I buy it. Hey… I didn’t really have the money... Honesty first… questions later… constantly fighting reality when it is not “what I I I I I I I want!” On these things… the lessons I am learning...I have got to learn to release.... let go… and expect God to provide what I need instead of WHAT I WANT. It is a constant battle! Another song I wrote… that applies to THIS!

Here I stand before my life
And all I’ve come to know
It’s a battle, it’s a war of habits formed long ago…

But you’re constantly changing
Constantly changing me
Giving me Power, like I have never seen

Rain down on me
Rain down on me
Rain your word down on me
And change me

Broken promise
Hurtful words
I really want to fight
I clinch my fist you open it
Your mercy’s on my mind

Cause your constantly changing
Constantly changing me
Giving me power
Like I have never seen

Rain Down on me
Rain down on me
Rain Your word down on me
And change me

Your word like a fire
Burnin into my soul
Your word like water
Washing me… make me whole…

He is changing me… giving the power to accept the things I can not change… the things that I have no power or control over. :)

Just keep walking… just keep praying…

Food!

2005-11-08T13:32:00.000-08:00

I went to a great reception yesterday... well I have to tell you it had a Gorgonzola cheesecake that was amazing! It had portabello mushrooms inside and had balsamic onions on the top... YUM!

Hey Everyone!

2005-11-04T17:33:00.000-08:00

Sorry I’ve been busy with my class and work here at USC… and haven’t had time to blog! I miss my blogging community… Larry, Lu, Dewart, Sharma (sometimes) and family…

I’ve had an exciting time doing my paper though.. My friends and family are so amazing… to me in helping me with this paper… Marsha, Mom… & Bruce helped… ;) and I am so thankful to them for the help!

For our group project we did Global Speed Networking in the same format as Speed dating. It was really fun! I love my co-students that I worked with on it!

Jennifer and I actually wrote on the same topic for our mid-term but with contrasting views. It’s exciting to meet new people and see and hear their ideas and though.

My prof which I thought I might have a hard time with… is so incredibly intelligent… and has worked on some huge campaigns for various NPO’s, television shows, you name it she has probably helped or given ideas to help in influence. It’s great to learn from so many fascinating people here at USC! I am so grateful for this opportunity!

Am I there yet?

2005-10-31T17:18:00.000-08:00

Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Didn’t you say this to your parents over and over when you were waiting to get to your destination? "No honey" When will we get there? When will we get there? "Five more minutes" ... I don't know about you but those "5 minutes" took forever. You would wait... and wait... and wait... it only made arriving that more wonderful! Did you notice?

Sometimes.. I am still saying this… but to God… Am I there yet? Am I there yet? Please when will I get there? When will I be who I want to be? When will I be able to have the things in my life that I WANT to have... when will I respond right? When will I be MATURE?! :)

There are areas of my life… that I constantly have to turn over… sometimes I just get tired of waiting... I wrote a song about waiting years ago…

Waiting Room
copyright breezze music 1996

Here I am again
In that old familiar place
I’ve been clingin’ to my dreams
And not seeking your face
And I’ve been holdin’ on
To fantasy not reality

Serenity comes
When I’m alone
In the place I wait
On God

In the waiting room
I find my peace
In the waiting room
I gain understanding
In that very room
I’ve learn to trust Him
In the waiting room of life

It’s so easy to relieve
This anxiousness inside
With temporary things
That in the end
Destroy my life
I keep moving fast…
Till I fall down on my kness

Serenity comes
When I’m alone
In the place I wait on God

In the waiting room
I find my peace
In the waiting room
I gain understanding
In that very room I’ve learn to trust Him
In the waiting room of life … in the waiting room… in the waiting… room… I find my peace in you… in the waiting room in waiting room… I find my hope in you… in the waiting room in the waiting room… I will wait! On YOU!

The other song that has been a part of my life since 7th grade… when I talked to a Pastor about who I was and my struggles… this Pastor talked to me about trusting God… giving him my options… tell me to Trust. “Trust & Obey” (Okay if you think life is a bit to surreal in what I write about… this same pastor was convicted of molestation with many boys… what did that say about his own struggle?)…

And then the message from E.E. hits me today again and again (she kind of slaps me in the face with truth sometimes) I learn the lessons of handing things over… the quote from John Townsend speaks to this too:

Immaturity is demanding that reality adapt to you!

From E.E.

A spirit of resistance cannot wait on God. I believe it is this spirit which is the reason for some of our greatest sufferings. Opposing the workings of the Lord in and through our "problems" only exacerbates them. It is here and now that we must win our victories or suffer defeats. Spiritual victories are won in the quiet acceptance of ordinary events, which are God's "bright servants," standing all around us.

Restlessness and impatience change nothing except our peace and joy. Peace does not dwell in outward things, but in the heart prepared to wait trustfully and quietly on Him who has all things safely in His hands. "Peace I leave with you; I do not give to you as the world gives" (John 14:27, NEB). What sort of peace has He to give us? A peace which was constant in the midst of ceaseless work (with few visible results), frequent interruptions, impatient demands, few physical comforts; a peace which was not destroyed by the arguments, the faithlessness, and hatred of the people. Jesus had perfect confidence in His Father, whose will He had come to accomplish. Nothing touched Him without His Father's permission. Nothing touches me without my Father's permission. Can I not then wait patiently? He will show the way.

If I am willing to be still in my Master's hand, can I not then be still in everything? He's got the whole world in His hands! Never mind whether things come from God Himself or from people-- everything comes by His ordination or permission. If I mean to be obedient and submissive to the Lord because He is my Lord, I must not forget that whatever He allows to happen becomes, for me, His will at that moment. Perhaps it is someone else's sinful action, but if God allows it to affect me, He wills it for my learning. The need to wait is, for me, a form of chastening. God has to calm me down, make me shut up and look to Him for the outcome.

His message to me every day Is wait, be still, trust, and obey.

His message to Wendy everyday… how ‘bout you? WAIT… BE STILL… TRUST… and OBEY!

Messages We don't hear about the war....

2005-10-31T11:31:00.000-08:00

...just an excerpt from my paper..

There is a difference in the world in us taking action against these terrorists an as will happen when military action is taken innocent civilians get killed. We deeply regret every one of those lives. Terrorist do not regret the loss of innocent, civilian life. They rejoice in it, that is their purpose. Blair (2005)

There is no justification for suicide bombings.

All the instability in Iraq would stop tomorrow if these terrorists and insurgents stopped. Blair (2005)

“What is happening is these people are trying to get a democracy, we are trying to help them, and these people (terrorist) are trying to stop them. There is only one side; it is the side of a people wanting a democracy”. Blair (2005)

The terrorist pouring into Iraq know full well the importance of destroying not just the nascent progress of Iraq toward stability, prosperity and democracy, but of destroying our confidence, of defeating our will to persevere. Blair (2005).

Could it be that the war in Iraq was a justified (but late) instrument to restore Human rights? (This in reference to 20 years of genocide in Iraq), (Faber, 2005). Why didn’t we respond earlier to the mass genocides of Kurdish and Arabs in Iraq?

How do Iraqis feel? “I embody the triumph of hope over experience... Iraqi citizen” (Packer, 2005)

For freedom 2,000 U.S. soldiers died in the war in Iraq. For living 290,000 Iraqi’ civilians died under Sadaam.

We are focusing on the long term welfare of the world community not just on individuals (Ree, 2005).

In support of freedom for the Iraqi people, you bring meaning to each individual soldier that has died in Iraq.

Iraqi’s made life plans based on the assumption the U.S. would respond to the genocides and refusal to cooperate with the U.N. (Voices from the Iraqi street)

The focus should not be on whether the weapons of mass destruction were found; it should be on the whether or not Sadaam ever planned on using weapons of mass destruction (Ree, 2005)

A study in 1998 by R.M. Kramer allowed that decision making in politics was heavily influenced by how individuals construed their options and deemphasized groupthink in the process. Could the risks that Sadaam Hussein who was known to have and been in the process of bargaining for materials for Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD), played a role in the decision to go to war? Blair (2005) said the risks were too great to not go to war. Influential world leaders that did not support the US going to war, including Janik who searched for weapons of mass destruction, with Iraq, believed that Sadaam Hussein had WMD. (Ree, 2005)

Should the focus be on whether or not Sadaam had WMD or should it be on the fight for Human Rights? (Cushman, 2005)

Let’s compare Sadaam and Bush. (Ree, 2005)

Do we really want to communicate that it is okay if world leader’s kill hundreds of thousands as long as it is yesterday and not today? Do the dead have no value? (Geras, 2005)

The left hatred of Bush may be blinding to the arguments of the war. (Ree, 2005)

There are so many more...

Thankful... that Mr. Skunk did not SPRAY ME! :)

2005-10-27T02:02:00.001-07:00

I had to blog... because it is 2:03 in the morning. I decided to stay at work and work on my computer there as long as possible. I forgot how dark and crazy it is at my house in the middle of the night... I've been thinking all week... I'm going to get sprayed by a skunk... and as I drove in.. I took my keys and went okay Mr. Skunk please don't come out...

Well I rounded the corner to my apartment and there he was right in front of me! I saw him about two seconds before he saw me and headed right back to my car. I had no idea how the skunk was going to get out of my area... because it is rather blocked in... but I decided to head back in... because hey it's 2:00... I need to either finish writing this paper or GO TO SLEEP... :)

Well he was gone... and I am in my home... my heart has not quite settled down yet... but maybe it will help me write more tonight! :)